Der Xparody
by Yellowfur
Summary: Formerly An XParody. Now with 200 percent more PIRATES! Naw, just kidding. Reviews and suggestions still welcome. Review or Berzerker will cry. We might be reaching the end here, people...
1. The Chaos Begins

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution.**

**This story is a parody on X-Men Evolution. I wanted to do a parody because my other fanfics aren't as fun, and this is lighter. Some things to know before you read this: there is alcohol in this first chapter, and yes, before you ask, in the scene where Scott and a drunk Logan are talking, I did steal a couple lines from the Family Guy Stewie Griffin movie. I will beusing lines from other stuff too, and I'll let you know. Please review my story, people! I would like to know what you think (just don'tbe too mean). I am saying now: if you give me a suggestion in your review, I might use it.**

Chapter 1

Bobby Drake paced around his room, even though he was bored he was too stubborn to find anything else to do. When he walked to his window for the eighteenth time, outside he saw a swaying figure on the lawn of the X-Mansion. Bobby theorized it was just another drunken prankster come to put graffiti or something on the walls outside the mansion, and Logan would probably take care of him soon. That was what he thought, until he realized the drunkard _was _Logan.

Bobby's first emotion was shock, which soon progressed into laughter. After he composed himself, he darted downstairs to tell Scott Summers, the leader of the X-Men, about what he saw. He could tell by the scowl on Scott's face as he walked by in front of Bobby that he already knew about Logan.

"Dinner's ready," he growled to Bobby as he walked by. With a snicker, Bobby walked to the dining room and knew it was going to be a very interesting dinner.

Logan was sitting at the dining table between Sam Guthrie and Ray Crisp. The two boys would obviously rather be sitting somewhere else. Logan was drunk and ranting randomly about anything, his sentences rarely making a connection.

"You!" Logan shouted, turning to Sam. "You're from Kentucky? Cool…cool place…" Sam looked a little embarrassed and looked at the ground to avoid looking at the other students' eyes.

"And you…"with this Logan turned to Ray. "Man, you have weird hair! Did you dye it that way or what? Two different colors…where can I get hair like that?..." Ray didn't look that embarrassed but chose to ignore Logan. It didn't work, only making Logan ramble more. "Aaannd…weren't you like, a Moloch or something?"

"A what?" Ray asked, confused.

"Ya know, a sewer person, mutant dude. A Moloch, a Morocco, something weird? Oh yeah, a Morlock person. That's what they are, ugly freaks…in sewers…"

"Um, me? One of them? Ha, where did you get that?" Ray laughed nervously.

"Yes you were so! You were!" Logan shouted, with a strange look on his face that said he was just about ready to claw Ray's face off if the discussion went any further.

Scott had enough. He pulled Logan out of the dining room and into the living room.

"Cyke, why you got to do that? It's rude to the…other people. Not that I care…"

"You're drunk."

"You're sexy."

"Logan, you are setting a bad example for the other students. You have to go to another room, away from the kids, preferably until long after your hangover wears off sometime tomorrow." Scott ordered Logan.

"Whatever." Logan mumbled. But he obeyed and stumbled up the stairs.

Jean Grey walked into the room. "Are you okay, Scott?"

"No, I'm angry! Why would he come here drunk? What an idiot!"

"You should do something to calm your nerves, Scott."

"Yeah, I'm going to go watch 'House' or something."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Mystique waited in a dark alley for the mutant she was ready to meet. It was Caliban she was meeting; she wanted him to find Destiny for her. She had to agree to pay him a huge amount of money; ever since he met up with Wanda Maximoff and she trapped him with her dumpsters, he had been just a little reluctant to come out of the sewers to scan for mutants on call.

"There you are!" Mystique said as she recognized him turning the corner. "I need you to find someone for me, it…it's, um…" She seemed a little distracted.

"What is it?" he asked.

"That's it! Your voice and the way you move! Could you stop moving all creepy-like?" Mystique shouted.

"NO, I can't! It's my thang."

"Did you say 'thang'?

"…yes. No who do you want me to find!" he asked, getting frustrated.

"Find the mutant named Destiny."

"No."

"Wait, what do you mean 'no'! I'm paying you a lot of money here!"

"I can't locate her, because she cannot be located."

"Well, duh. But why can't she found!" Mystique asked, getting very angry.

"I honestly haven't a clue." Caliban replied.


	2. Eyetwitching Goodness

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. This is just a stupid parody.**

**Well, this is the second chapter (duh). I made fun of Caliban more, only because it's so easy! There's more drinking in this chapter, and probably in more to come. An interesting idea from my first reviewer. Oh, and one more thing before the chapter starts; I said it before and I'll say it again. Reviewing is good! Questions, suggestions, constructive criticism, opinions, are all accepted (flames are not appreciated quite as much...). Now I'll shut up and you can read.**

Chapter 2

Callisto roamed the sewers, looking for Caliban. He was supposed to return a while ago, she was thinking as she scanned the tunnels for her fellow Morlock. She only used one eye, as the other was covered by an eye patch. The truth was that there was nothing wrong with her covered eye; she just liked the patch because it looked cool. She had brought with her two other Morlocks; new member Spyke and the little mutant girl and youngest team member, Torpid. Spyke was whining about how searching for food instead would be smarterand Torpid shot him a "don't-make-me-take-off-my-gloves-and-hug-you" look. She had many looks, as she didn't really speak…at all. Some other looks included her "I'm-hungry-for-blood" look and her "if-you-don't-give-me-my-teddy-bear-back-I-will-make-you-my-statue" look. With a silent laugh to herself, Callisto remembered the look on Berserker's face when Torpid froze him after he came in the sewers to look for Spyke. He was a Ray statue. Callisto couldn't help giggling as she thought of selling Ray statues for $10.99 each on an infomercial.

"There's Caliban!" said Spyke.

"Whassup?" said Caliban.

"You're late! We had to come out looking for you, you said you'd be back from your appointment an hour ago!" Callisto yelled.

"How about that." Caliban replied.

---------------------------------------------------

Kitty took her hideous dish out of the oven. She couldn't wait to serve another dish to all her friends. The noodle casserole looked a little…off-color and mutated…but Kitty didn't even notice. She never does.

"Dinner!" she announced proudly walking into the dining room. No one had to come downstairs because everyone was already at the table, preparing their poor stomachs for the terror to come. When the alien casserole was spooned on to plates, the X-Men just stared at their "dinners".

"You can eat, everyone is served." Kitty said.

Not wanting to break Kitty's heart, the X-Men began to force down the food. There were at least three different screams of pain heard (when questioned by Kitty, they said it was only because the food was too hot). Kurt was swearing incoherently in German. That night, there wouldn't be a bathroom without a sick student inside.

---------------------------------------------------

Magneto laughed evilly inside his secret base. When Pyro asked what was so funny, Magneto told him of his most recent evil plan to destroy the X-Men. He sent out a memo to the all the residents of the X-Mansion that every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday Kitty Pryde was to cook dinner. In no time the X-Men would be defeated. Pyro laughed evilly. When Sabretooth came in and asked about the evil laughter, they told him and he joined in as well. When Gambit came in, he as well asked about the maniacal laughter, and joined in too after it was explained. When Colossus came in and also asked about the laughing, when it was explained, his eye twitched and he walked away.

--------------------------------------------------

Ray walked into the Danger Room. He couldn't wait to exert his anger in the training room. He didn't know where his anger came from, it was just there. Staring at him. He couldn't stand it. He had to get it out of him somehow.

When all the New Mutants were gathered inside, they waited for their instructor to turn on the Danger Room. All the students were shocked and scared when they realized who their instructor was. Logan stumbled into the control room, even more drunk than he was a couple nights before.

"Pffft! Danger level 14? How pathetically weak! Let's step it up to level 40!" he mumbled almost inaudibly.

The New Mutants decided to ignore the danger developing around them and focus their attention on getting the exit door open.

**Now you can review. Anonymous people accepted.**


	3. Danger! Danger!

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Too bad.**

**I know two chapters a day might seem like a bit much, but my brother helped me write this chapter and I just couldn't resist sending it in today. This chapter is much sillier and more all over the place than the last two. There is the Brotherhood here now, and X23 as well. Thank you to readers and reviewers! **

Chapter 3

We join the Brotherhood as they are sitting in their boarding house type place, having a serious discussion.

"Hey, Pietro," Lance said. "I have a question about your super-speed."

"What?"

"When you run really fast for a while, not in your super-speedy suit, do your pants light on fire from all the friction?"

"All the time."

"Oh my god."

"Yeah, it sucks." Pietro would've continued, but his cell phone rang.

"Hey, wait…" Todd began. "If we barely have the money to pay for food and stuff, how come you have a cell phone?"

"I stole it, idiot. Now shut up." Pietro listened to his father talk about his evil plan to destroy the X-Men. Pietro didn't think it was very funny, but pretended to laugh evilly for his father's sake. Pietro would never let anyone know, but he was afraid that if he defied his father, he would be crushed under something, likely something metal.

It was then that the door burst open and a little playing card drifted in. It then spontaneously exploded.

"Guess who!" Gambit came bursting through the window.

"Why didn't you just use the door?" asked Lance.

"It's more dramatic this way. I have a mission for you losers from Magneto."

"What if we don't feel like doing a mission?"

"Then Magneto will crush you the next time you walk past an iron pole. Now, this mission is very dangerous. You might not survive. They may murder you and feast on your remains." Gambit said laughing.

"Sounds fun!" Pietro said. "Wait…Gambit, where's your accent?"

"I left it at home, it's in my other trenchcoat. Your mission is to join the X-Men to make sure our plan is working."

"'Kay. When do we start?"

"Go over there today."

"No way!" Lance shouted. "I don't want to join up with them!"

"Kitty will be there."

"Okay, you have a deal."

--------------------------------------------

Scott went to get the door. He hoped it was the UPS guy delivering his Scooby-Doo Slip n' Slide. However, it wasn't, it was the Brotherhood instead.

"DANGER!" Scott yelled. He was about to tackle Pietro like a football player before Professor Xavier telepathically told him not to.

"What do you want?" Scott asked angrily.

"To join the X-Men!" Pietro exclaimed with a fake smile.

"The Professor and I will think about it. Come back later."

"Aw, c'mon, Summers! You let that X-23 chick join the household yesterday."

"How do you know that?"

"Know what? C'mon, please?"

"I'll discuss it later. I have to go see how that mutant baseball game is coming along." Scott said.

Xavier suddenly appeared downstairs. "I know! See if they're compatible with the other children here by letting them join in the game."

"No! Don't do that! They'll destroy us all!" Scott yelled dramatically.

Professor just ignored Scott. He learned to do that a long time ago.

------------------------------------------

Jamie didn't want to pitch the ball again. He was afraid that if he struck out X-23, who was currently up to bat, she would claw his face off or something. He took a deep breath and threw the ball. Even though it was an easy toss, she didn't swing. She was too busy inspecting the bat, probably trying to figure out the best way to maim someone with it.

"Strike three! You're out, X23!" Beast The Umpire yelled.

That really got her pissed. She clawed the baseball bat to pieces and starting flinging pieces and splinters at everyone.

"Whoa, girl! If you really want to keep being in the game, you can be on my team." Bobby said.

She stopped and smiled sweetly. "That sounds fun! Can I be on first base?"

"Ray is on first base."

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" X23 proceeded to unsheathe her claws and tackled Ray.

"OH MY GOD, GET HER OFF! AGH!" Ray shouted.

"Quiet, Ray. We're trying to play ball here!" Beast The Umpire said.

"All done!" X23 said, smiling. She tossed an injured Berserker over the fence.

"Hmm…" Bobby said. "Next up to bat is…Avalanche? No way, the Brotherhood is here? New Mutants, attack pattern Gamma!" All the New Mutants struck a silly pose with their powers charged.

"Wait, what's going on?" Jubilee asked. "What's that?" She stared dumbly at the poses her teammates were stuck in. Wolfsbane didn't know it either.

"Oh, right," Roberto observed, "We learned beta thru epsilon while Jubilee and Rahne were at home in late season 3."

"Wait, where's Ray? We can't complete the pattern without him!" Bobby realized.

"I'm over here! I need medical attention!" Ray shouted.

"Well, Ray, you don't deserve a single band-aid if you aren't going to care about teamwork at all!"

"Oh yeah!" Pietro said. "You think your pattern is a winner? Brotherhood, counterattack pattern Preparation H!"

--------------------------------------

**What will happen next? What is Preparation H? Will X23 stop throwing random bitchy fits? Will Ray finally learn the values of teamwork? Find out tomorrow! (It's a cliffhanger, people). Now write a review.**


	4. The Saga of the Microwave Burritos

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution.**

**Here's the chapter I promised. Have fun with it. Watch out for Regis Philbin.**

--------------------------------------

Spyke was getting very frustrated. Here he was, knowing that something was very, very wrong. He didn't know what it was exactly. And the one who person who did, would not tell him anything.

He grabbed Torpid. "Aaah! Why won't you tell me what's wrong! Tell me!"

Torpid was getting very angry. "Please, talk to me, little girl! Why won't you tell me why you won't talk!"

"Spyke, she can't talk!" Callisto said.

"I knooow! She won't tell me!"

Callisto just sighed. Maybe Ray was right; maybe she shouldn't have had Evan join the Morlocks. He was clearly an idiot.

Callisto looked around. Lucid was picking his nose with his whole hand, Façade was practicing turning blue in the face, and Caliban had wandered off AGAIN.

With another sigh, Callisto flashbacked to when Ray quit the Morlocks…

_"Hey Ray, did you bring the food?" Callisto said._

_"Hell yeah, and it's awesome!"_

_"Well then, show it to us!" Callisto gasped at the horrible sight of what came out of the bag containing dinner._

_"Microwave burritos! Have you ever had them?" Ray asked proudly._

_"You fool!" Callisto shouted as she punched Ray in the face._

_"Huh! What's wrong? What is it?" Ray was clearly very confused._

_"Don't you know that microwave burritos are poisonous to mutants!"_

_"WHAT! That's stupid! I've had one before!"_

_"And what happened?"_

_"I threw up and drained the power across the tri-state area by mistake. I figured it was puberty."_

_"That was the burrito! You'll kill us all, you fool!" She punched him again._

_"Ouch! That's it! You're a bitch! I quit!"_

And that was it. Ray never came back after running down the tunnels. And Callisto felt like it was all her fault. She shouldn't have yelled at him. He didn't know. Now the Morlocks all felt like a huge chunk out of them was missing. Like "Star Wars" without a guy named Skywalker. Like a "Clerks" movie without Jay and Silent Bob, or like "Empire Records" without it's Lucas. Like "Lord of the Rings" without Hobbits. Like a Harry Potter movie without special effects, or like "A Scanner Darkly" without drugs.

----------------------------------------

Back to the New Mutants and the Brotherhood on the field now.

"Okay Blob, you're first up! Activate Preparation H!" Pietro commanded. Blob responded by grabbing Pietro and hurling him into the air (he went into a star-ending).

"What are you doing! That's not Preparation H!" shouted Avalanche. "But…it did feel good on the whole."

"Quiet, mortals!" Bobby yelled. "We are now activating a new plan, for fighting three people instead of four! Die, bitches!"

"Bobby, calm down." Amara said commandingly.

"What makes you think you can tell me what to do?"

"Because I outrank you, fool!"

"Where do you outrank me? Not on battles or missions!"

"In life, peasant!"

"Hey, Ray's back! Did you finally realize the only way we can beat the Brotherhood is with the values of teamwork?" Bobby said.

"No." Ray responded. "I just wanted to say, I think I'm getting a little delirious from blood loss from my injuries. Have you always been purple?"

"Then go away, Ray."

"Fine, I will!"

"Hey, what's going on?" asked Scott Summers.

"Uh…look Scott, It's Regis Philbin!" Bobby yelled.

"My nightmares have manifested themselves into flesh!" Scott whirled around in fear. With his back turned, Bobby froze him.

"He'll be better now that's he's shut up." Bobby proclaimed.

"Stop this fighting!" called a mysterious voice.

----------------------------------------

**And that's it. I know it was short. Sorry. Now review.**


	5. Detectivenessocity

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. What's with today, today?**

**Here's Chapter 5 for you. The Brotherhood are a sort of forgotten about in this chapter, but they'll be back, don't worry. In this story, I think soon I'll be doing more of breaking the fourth wall (means: the characters realize and/or mention that they are in a TV show or cartoon). Oh, and REVIEWING IS GOOD.**

**Without further ado, I bring you Chapter 5.**

**-**---------------------------------------

"Hey, where's that voice coming from?" Bobby saidlooking around.

"It must be the white light coming to take us away." Ray said.

"What? No! It's a person! Who is it?"

"It's me!" Nightcrawler said cheerfully. "I was using a cool voice disguiser thingy. And I was up in that tree."

"We thought you were Xavier."

"Nein, you would've been expecting that."

"You know what? I miss Spyke." Bobby said mournfully.

"That was random." Ray said.

"You know what we need to get him back on our side?"

"Mentos?"

"No."

"Hello," Avalanche interjected. "We're still here, you know." But they paid him no heed.

"Enzyte?" Ray persisted

"No! Spyke doesn't need or want natural male enhancement! We need detective-ness-ocity! We need to figure out a way to get him back from his behaviors that day he left us. You talked to him, Ray. Was he any different than usual?"

"Hmmm…."

Ray's eyes rolled up into his head as he flashbacked to the episode "X-Treme Measures".

_"Hey Evan, how about sharing that milk with the rest of us?" Ray asked Evan._

_"NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY IT'S ALL MINE GET BACK!" Evan replied viciously, frothing at the mouth._

"No, I don't remember anything different about him."

"Then we'll have to go get him back manually from the Morlocks". Bobby concluded with a serious look on his face.

"Aw! How many times will I have to go down in the sewers to see them?" Ray whined.

"Schfifty-five! Now be quiet and come with me!"

------------------------------------

Magneto was observing his Acolytes. Pyro was spiking a Coca-Cola with gasoline. Gambit was charging up stress-reliever squeeze toys and flushing them down the toilet, which Pyro enjoyed. Sabretooth was braiding his hair with _sequins_. Colossus was bench pressing a Volkswagen and questioning the reasons of his existence.

Magneto sighed, then started yelling, which caused Colossus to drop the car on Sabretooth. "You're a sorry bunch of Acolytes! It's time I enrolled you in a training session, Magneto style, bitches!"

------------------------------------

**What is Magneto's training style? Does _that _involve the freshmaker? Noooowww, it's REVIEW TIME!**


	6. Frozen Sewage and Ryan Cosmopolitan

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Another day, Marvel, another day...**

**I think this chapter is a little longer than the last two. As far as quote stealing goes in this chapter, before anyone notices and bothers me about it, I stole a couple of quotes from the movie"A Scanner Darkly" in the scene where Bobby and Ray are talking. Oh yeah, another thing. I don't how many times I have to say it. Reviewing is good! I know you're out there, readers, this story has over 200 hits, and currently 1 review. No one person visits a story 218 times, repeating chapters. Now here's Chapter 6, have fun with it!**

**---------------------------------------------**

Chapter 6

"Okay!" Magneto said loudly. "Its time to start my training! And let me choose some assistants!" He turned to the Brotherhood, who were (strangely enough) with Magneto.

"Pietro! Would you like to assist me?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Wanda! Would you like to assist me?"

"I hate you! Go to hell, bastard!"

"Why the kind words?"

"Aren't you going to ask the rest of us?" Lance asked hopefully.

Magneto sighed. "You know, I don't think you're getting that I don't really give a crap about any of your lives."

Pietro laughed evilly for what he had in store for the poor Acolytes. Pyro joined him for no real reason at all.

---------------------------------------

"Okay Ray, open up that manhole!" Bobby ordered.

"It's just a manhole. Open it up yourself." Ray said defiantly.

"Fine, I will!" And Bobby did. "Come on! What are you waiting for?" Bobby asked Ray as he climbed down into the sewers.

"They don't like me down there! I could be mur…dered."

C'mon! I'm here! What's the worst they could do?"

"Squash me like a bug."

"What kind of bug?"

"Like, a fucked up bitch beetle."

"Cool. I've never seen one of those."

"Ugh! I'm now reminded of how much sewer water smells!" Ray complained.

"Hmm…I bet it would smell better FROZEN!" Bobby said enthusiastically. Bobby proceeded to freeze the smelly water.

"Whee! C'mon Ray, skate with me!" Bobby proceeded to ice skate with his sneakers.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" Callisto shouted. Bobby proceeded to fall down on his butt.

"Wah!" Ray went into the fetal position on the floor.

"Get up, you baby." Callisto ordered Ray.

"Not a baby…" Ray began sucking on his thumb and rocking back and forth.

"If you don't get up, I'll hit you!"

Ray began to sob. "You're always doing that! Why do you hate me!"

Callisto sighed. "I don't hate you, Ray. I hit everybody to express my feelings."

"You hit me for bringing you guys dinner!"

Callisto let out a longer sigh. "Oh great, here we go…"

"Huh?" Bobby looked confused (probably because he's an idiot).

"Well, he…" Callisto began, but she was interrupted by Ray.

"I brought the Morlocks dinner and she hit me! In the faaace!" Ray explained.

Bobby looked over at Callisto. "He's right, you know, that doesn't sound very nice."

"They were MICROWAVE BURRITOS!"

Ray cried out, "I microwaved them for you all by myself! I didn't even _have_ a microwave!"

"You see, random stranger, microwave burritos are poisonous to mutants, just like Power-8." Callisto said to Bobby.

"What else is?"

"Virgin Cosmopolitans and Ryan Seacrest."

"Cool."

"NOT cool! Just watching one episode of American Idol makes mutants break out in hives! You never noticed that?" Callisto asked Bobby.

"Hives? Is that all _you_ got? Because when my friends and I watched that marathon, boy, did we ever get reactions! I mean, Roberto started dancing and imitating multiple Johnny Depp characters at once, and…"

"Shut up!" Callisto interrupted. "I don't want to hear about you any more, frosty child! Just get out of here!"

"Make me!" Bobby yelled back.

"'Kay!" With that, Callisto grabbed Bobby's legs and started dragging him towards the way he and Ray came in.

"Hey! Leave Bobby alone, Callisto! Or I'll…" Ray started to say.

"Or you'll what?" Callisto said smugly.

"I'll give you static shock like you wouldn't BELIEVE!" With that Ray took off his sneakers and started rubbing his socks on the ground. "Could you give me a minute here?" he asked.

"Grrr…" Callisto dropped Bobby and was about to attack Ray when the manhole opened up again.

"Not so fast, odd-looking sewer woman!" Cyclops shouted triumphantly. The X-Men were there for Bobby and Ray.

---------------------------------

**Now review! Review! Review! **


	7. 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Another day, Kids WB, another day...**

**It's tiiiiiime for C****hapter 7 -loud fanfare- Brainwashing time! Review. Review. Review. You know you want to. Review. Review. Review. Watch Empire Records.**

**--------------------------------------**

Chapter 7

"Hey! You can't just call on the X-Men! That's not fair!" Callisto whined.

"We didn't…" Bobby said.

"Duh!" Shadowcat interrupted. "We just walk around in random places in our super suits, didn't you know?"

"Ja!" Nightrawler agreed.

"Surrender that idiot boy, evildoer!" Cyclops yelled.

Rogue sighed. "Look, Scott…as hot and sexy as I think you are, you are not a superhero…"  
Wolverine stumbled around, drunk yet again. "Whoa, I am SO hammered!"

"Quiet, pointy drunken citizen!" Scott yelled triumphantly.

Callisto had enough. She snapped her fingers and the Morlocks materialized behind her.

"Hey, Caliban! Couldn't you have known the X-Men were coming?"

"Yes, I ssennssed them before."

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THEY WERE COMING!" Callisto yelled at Caliban.

"You didn't ask," Caliban replied calmly.

"I'll absorb you all to death!" Rogue shouted. She took off her gloves and stepped forward. At the same time, Torpid did the same. The two just stood there, both knowing what the other's powers were, and not wanting to touch each other. Either way they were screwed.

--------------------------------------

Meanwhile…

"Pietro! Start your training session!" Magneto ordered.

"Uh, I don't have it completely planned out yet…" Pietro said.

"Do it!" Magneto yelled. "And if you fail, I'll disown you."

"Okay!" Pietro saluted him and smiled widely.

"Is that healthy?" Wanda asked.

"What? Keeping all my feelings bottled up? No, it isn't!" he responded cheerfully. "Soon, all my feelings will come rising to the surface, resulting in a particularly hideous and extremely harmful mental meltdown and I will never be the same!" Pietro giggled.

"Heehee, yeah!" Pyro laughed insanely.

"Okay!" Pietro turned his attention to the Acolytes. "Training session, Round 1! Victor and Piotr tag team versus Gambit!"

"Wait, WHAT!" Gambit shouted.

Pyro sat back and grabbed a soda and some jalapeno bites that just happened to be lying there, giggling uncontrollably at the ensuing carnage. Magneto took cell phone pictures.

After loud crunching noises were heard throughout the base, Pietro told the Acolytes of his next special training mission.

"You know Callisto? That eye-patched Morlock girl?" Pietro asked them.

"Yeah, we somehow do. Why?" Gambit replied, spitting out a tooth.

"Your mission is to go in the sewers and steal her eye patch while she's sleeping."

"Does she actually sleep?"

"Maybe."

------------------------------------

**Review. Do it.**


	8. Mutanity Civilians

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Whee.**

**There's slightly mpre action in this chapter. Yay. Oh, and I stole a couple of quotes from Invader Zim (the cows line from Pyro, but I added the barbeque thing myself, and I stole the retinas line). And I stole the Star Wars Monkey thing from a flash cartoon by Joseph Blanchette. At least I'm putting credit where credit is due...oh and the Gameboy thing is from Empire Records (a really good movie).**

Chapter 8

"Okay! I'm going to go first into the sewers!" Pyro said proudly.

"Why?" Gambit asked.

"Because there's stuff you can light on fire there. I'm always game for that!"

"Ugh. This microchip Magneto planted in me feels like a billion tiny biscuits burrowing under my skin!" Sabretooth said.

"We all have them!" Colossus exclaimed.

Pyro leaned close to Piotr and whispered, _"Cows are my friiiieeends, especially after I barbeque 'em." _

Colossus seemed a little freaked out but nevertheless pushed Pyro aside and jumped into the sewers. What he saw there shocked him.

"Avast ye! More evildoers and crimes against humanity…and mutanity!" Scott said, pointing at the Acolytes.

"That didn't make any sense." Piotr said.

"Thank you!" Pyro said to Cyclops.

Callisto shouted, "Great! Just great! Now what are YOU doing here?"

"Stealing your eyepatch thingy!" Pyro replied.

Callisto twitched. "Unacceptable! I'll have to confiscate your retinas."

Pyro screamed like a little girl when Callisto began to walk towards him but nevertheless blew a pattern of fire into the air. He stopped for a minute though, to think about what to make a shape out of.

"Oh, oh, Star Wars Monkey!" he yelled happily. He made the shape of a monkey with a robes and a light-saber and laughed insanely.

Gambit took out his metal staff and put the separated pieces together. "Take this!' He swung the staff and missed. It promptly fell apart again into four pieces. Gambit did, too.

---------------------------------

"I go first!" Amara said, setting up a board game.

"Why can't I go first?" Jamie asked.

"Because you're small and insignificant, Jamie."

"I know…."

Amara turned to Roberto. "Get me a soda," she ordered.

"Yes, your hotness." He replied without missing a beat.

"Sam, get me a sandwich." She told him.

"Why?"

"DO IT."

"Ooookaaaayyy."

"Hmm." Amara looked at the pieces on the Monopoly game set. "I'll be the little Scottie dog."

Jubilee said, "I'll be the iron."

Sam sat back down with a sandwich for Amara. "I'll be the ship."

Roberto sat back down, too. "I'll be the shoe."

Jamie multiplied. "We'll be everything else."

"Cheater. You can't have all that money." Jubilee said.

"You can pick one other piece, Jamie. But don't tell us what it is." Amara said.

"Why not?"

"Because you're small and insignificant, Jamie."

Jamie just let out a sobbing noise and picked a piece.

Rahne jumped in. "I'll be whatever is left."

"NO, Rahne! Don't speak anymore! You aren't supposed to have more than three words a season!" Amara said.

Rahne shut up.

--------------------------------

Meanwhile….

Colossus was putting Gambit back together. Gambit's arms and head had fallen off his torso when his staff fell apart (who knew?). Colossus stuck Gambit's right arm in the left arm socket, the left arm on the neck, and the head in the right arm socket.

Gambit paid this no heed. He walked in the middle of the fight. "INTERMISSION!" he shouted.

Shadowcat and Nightcrawler just froze like statues. Wolverine sat down with a bottle of Beer-flavored Schnapps. Storm had a play electricity fight with Berserker.

"Hey, Scott. Can I borrow your Gameboy?" Bobby asked. Scott gave him the Gameboy and sang to himself. Callisto and the Morlocks began playing jump rope. Except for Torpid, who wanted to finish her fight with Rogue (they had been standing there, afraid to touch the other for the past hour). Torpid got sick of it and just put her gloves back on and punched Rogue in the face (who went flying). Jean and Scott spontaneously began making out. Gambit began playing cards with Beast The Blue.

"Intermission is over!" Spyke stepped in the jump rope (sending Lucid flying).

"Got any threes?" Gambit asked Beast The Cards Player.

"No. Go fish, a-hole!" replied Beast The Cheater. Gambit responded by making the cards explode.

-------------------------------

**The fight will probably end in the next chapter. Review. Now.**


	9. R for Radishes

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Stop yelling at me.**

**Maybe in the next chapter I'll have high-inducing Power-8 and the consequences. And I think it'll take place at the movies. Oh yeah, if you want to, you can suggest what movie you want them to see. Winner gets a happy feeling inside. Or...I may just pick a movie myself! -laughs insanely-**

Chapter 9

"Intermission is over!" Gambit shouted. "You know what that means…"

"Oh, oh!" Pyro interrupted. "Tea party?"

"What? No!"

"Oh." Pyro looked disappointed.

"Movies?" Sabretooth asked. "Ooo! Ooooooooh! If we're going to go se a movie, can we see 'Clerks 2'?"

"No," Gambit replied.

Sabretooth stomped his foot. "Why not?"

"It's rated R for radishes."

"I hate those."

Rogue looked thoughtful. "If I make out with you, Remy, can I pick the movie we see?"

"Most certainly not! But you can make out with me for no reason."

"Okay." Rogue did.

Wolverine went from being a happy drunk to an angry drunk in two seconds flat. "YOU TWO!" he yelled at Bobby and Ray. "I'll…I'll claw your hearts out and, and, uh, I'll EAT THEM!"

Bobby looked scared. "Not again!"

"Normally he just threatens to claw out Bobby's heart," Cyclops observed.

Jean reapplied her lipstick. "A movie sounds good, Scott. We could sit in the back and do something dirty…"

Scott looked confused. "Mud wrestle? You know, I don't think they let you-"

"NO! Make out, you fruit!" she interrupted.

"Oh…" Scott giggled. "I get it…"

The manhole cover opened yet again. "Yo!" Pietro zipped inside and put a birthday hat on. "Party!"

"What are you doing here?" Colossus looked puzzled.

"We're everywhere the X-Men are. Isn't that suspicious?"

Ray and Bobby were running away from Logan. "Hey!" Blob grabbed them. "Go say hi to your teacher Wolverine, you two!" Blob seemed oblivious to the danger the two boys were in. Lucky for them, Wolverine seemed to lose his drunken train of thought when he reached Bobby and Ray. He stumbled towards Toad.

"YOU! TOAD BOY!" he shouted. "Why…are…you…GRAY!" Logan grabbed for Toad (who screamed like a little girl). "I was born this way, fool!" Toad shrieked, jumping away form Wolverine, who vomited on the melting sewer ice and mumbled angrily under his breath about flying gray children.

"Hmm…" Pietro looked around. "Not everyone is here…who are we missing?"

The rest of the New Mutants jumped in the sewers. "Us!" Magma said. The sewer ice instantly melted.

"Caliban!" Callisto shouted. "I actually _did _ask you if anyone else was coming our way! What's with all these people?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise," he hissed-rasped-mumbled, smiling.

Avalanche leaned in towards Pietro and whispered, "You know what we should do?"

Pietro fiddled with his party hat. "Get sugar-flavored cheesecake?"

"NO! Destroy all the good guys here!"

"Oh, fun! Even more fun than rotoscoped movies!" Pietro declared happily.

--------------------------------

**What movie will the X-Men Evo characters see? How will Power-8 come into the mix? Find out...some other day.**


	10. No Soup for Ray

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Does the tap water taste funny to you?**

**Whoo! The 10th chapter! Cool...I guess. So, once again...REVIEWREVIEWREVIEW! DO IT! Okay, now in this chapter, we have Power-8, a druggy Pietro, and more everybody-hates-Ray bashing (Ray is one of my favorites, but I still love doing that).**

**-----------------------------------------**

Chapter 10

"Hey, what's this?" Pietro asked after finding a bottle of Power-8.

"Don't drink that! It's poison for mutants!" Callisto said.

Pietro looked torn. He looked at Callisto, then at the bottle, then back to Callisto. "Yeah, but look at the sugar content!" He opened the bottle, poured in the sugar he kept in a ziploc in his pocket, and gulped it down.

"Noooo!"

Pietro zipped around the sewers and eventually whacked himself against the wall face first with a crazy look on his face. "Hey, this stuff is making me high!" He unglued himself from the wall and smacked himself back against it on his back. He went in a pattern like this for a while, exclaiming, "Wheee!"

Scott stood up and thrust his fist into the air. "Let's go to the movies!" he said triumphantly.

"Can we bake cupcakes first?" Pyro asked.

"No, we _may_ not."

Pyro collapsed on the ground and started crying.

Scott grabbed a newspaper from out of Logan's leather jacket pocket to look at the movie times.

"Hey, how did that whole newspaper fit in there?" Ray asked.

"Don't you know? That leather jacket is never-ending. You didn't realize that?" Scott started laughing. "I guess you're just an idiot, Ray! Maybe that's why you don't have any real friends!"

Ray walked away with a sad look on his face muttering, "Ray hates his life…"

---------------------------------

"Okay!" Lance said, briskly rubbing his hands together. "Pietro, you're the self-righteous asshole around here, which I guess makes you leader. So tell me, what do we need to take down the X-Men?" 

"Now That's What I Call Music Volume gajillion?" Pietro replied woozily, still somewhat poisoned.

"No, that doesn't sound right."

"A thing in a place with stuff?"Pietro said with shocking speed.

"I have to stop asking you to guess these things. No, we need to sabotage their good time at the movies."

Pietro caught sight of a girl from behind. "Hey wait, sexy! Pietro need some lovin'!" he yelled. She turned around. It was Wanda Maximoff.

Pietro froze. "Oh my god!"

"Bad boy!" Wanda walked over to Pietro. She hit him on the backside. "Sit! Sit, boy!" Pietro let out a dog-like whine and obeyed.

--------------------------------

Scott was buying tickets. "Okay, can I have…" he looked at the X-Men, New Mutants, Brotherhood, and Acolytes. He gave Nightcrawler a signal and Nightcrawler teleported the innocent bystander family into a dumpster outside and came back.

"Okay! I want tickets for everyone in this room minus one!" Scott declared.

"Minus one?" Ray asked.

"Buy your own ticket, Ray."

Ray looked sad. "Why are you picking on meeeeee?" he cried.

Cyclops turned to Bobby. "Bobby, should I buy him a ticket?"

"Hell, no. He was a wuss today."

"No ticket for Ray!"

Ray bought his own ticket and considered ending his terrible life using his medium popcorn and the photo booth in a way unimaginable.

The Brotherhood was at the concession stand. "Hmm…" Avalanche trailed off. "I'll have…eight packets of blueberry flavored pop rocks, a super-size Coca-Cola, five super-size Sprites, five jumbo popcorns, and…oh yeah, and eight glass bottles of ranch dressing."

"We don't sell ranch dressing, sir."

"Yes you do."

"Oh…oh, yeah, we do. Is your dork helmet psychic, sir?"

"IT'S NOT A DORK HELMET!"

---------------------------------

**Ahahaha, yes it is, Avalance. What is Avalanche's eeeeevil plan? Will the Ass-olytes get any lines? What will happen to Pietro when his sugar buzz wears off and the Power-8 kicks in? Find out in the next chapter. Now review and ignore those bugs crawling all over the place (and you). Review. DO IT. Thank you to those who have.**


	11. Lymon Pants

**I do not own X-Men Evolution. I got monkeys in me!**

**The Morlocks and Ass-olytes don't get any lines in this one. Oh well. Don't worry, I'll bring them back soon enough. I haven't forgotten about them. I would promise you a next chapter date, but the last time I did that, it jinxed me and I ended up getting a block right before the deadline I gave myself. Oh yeah, if you have any suggestions for something funny for the Ass-olytes to do or say, send it in PLEASE. I have nothing on them, I've been sucked dry of Ass-olytes funnies.**

Chapter 11

"So, you want to know what the plan is?" Lance asked the other Brotherhood members.

"Yeah!" Blob said.

"Totally, yo!" Toad said.

"Not really," Wanda replied dryly.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Pietro asked. The Power-8 was obviously taking its toll.

Lance ignored Pietro. "Okay, my plan is to put the pop rocks in the Coca-Cola. Then, it'll explode! And while it's fizzing, I'll throw the container of coke at the X-Men, along with the ranch dressing." Lance laughed evilly. "They'll be covered in ranchy ew!"

"Well, what's the other stuff for?" Wanda asked.

"Us!" he handed out refreshments.

Wanda took a sip of her soda. "I HATE SPRITE!" She took the top off the drink and rammed it down Toad's pants.

Toad twitched in pain and citrus-flavored refreshment in all the wrong places. "You're sexy when you do that…" he muttered with a smile that was really a grimace.

Pietro turned to the guy at the concession stand, but not before grabbing the sunglasses off of some random old guy. "I'm Pietro Maximoff, and this is the Total Jackass Slam!" Pietro ran as fast as he could into the photo booth, breaking it instantly.

Ray looked at Pietro with hatred. "I was going to use that…"

---------------------------------------

"What movie is this anyway?" Kitty asked Kurt.

"I have no idea! Want to make out?" Kurt asked eagerly.

"I told you Kurt, we're just friends."

"Could we be just friends in a sexier manner?"

Kitty ignored him and turned to the movie. "Is this 'My Super Ex-girlfriend'? She asked Bobby.

Bobby smiled creepily. "Maaaaaaaayyybe…"

Kitty realized it was. She looked at the seat next to Bobby, where Ray was seated. She decided to speak to him for no apparent reason. "Her powers are crappy."

When she spoke, Ray cringed. "Stop yelling at me!" He curled up into the fetal position and sucked his thumb.

"Ray!" Bobby looked at him. "Stop that! That's the second time today!"

Ray obediently obeyed and relaxed his legs and lips.

Bobby reached over into the seat in front of him and tapped Beast The Third Row Seat 12 Occupant. "Hey, I saw this movie already. Can Ray, Amara, Sam, and I go to see 'Clerks 2' instead?"

"No," Beast The Popcorn Eater responded calmly.

"Why not?"

"It's rated R for Rope."

"How about 'A Scanner Darkly'?"

"That one is worse. Rated R for Rabbit attacks." Beast The Uma Thurman Fan responded.

Bobby sighed and sat back down. He turned to Ray on his right, who had Sam on his right, who had Amara on his right. "Guess what?"

"What?" Sam asked.

"You're getting a boob job?" Amara asked.

"WHAT? No! We're making a great escape to another movie!" Bobby said proudly.

"Must you make everything a mission?" Ray asked.

"Yeah sure, whatever. Let's go!"

--------------------------------------

Lance mixed together the pop rocks and Coca-Cola. He had just thrown up the sizzling, ready-to-explode mix and ranch dressing into the air, when Pietro came running to the Brotherhood. He looked up at the ranch dressing.

"Lance…you dropped your ssssssstuuuffffff… forty feet up! I'll get it!" Pietro ran up the walls and jumped to grab the dressing and pop-rock cola.

"Pietro, NO!"

---------------------------------------

**Uh-oh. What horrors will bestow poor Quicksilver? Will he die? If he does, will Magneto care? Will Avalanche ever realize that his helmet IS stupid? Who knows. Who cares. Review. DO IT. The ratio of reviewers to the hits of the story is starting to make me think...**


	12. Lance's Despair

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. If you do, I'll pay you $7.50 for it.**

**The continuation to the ranch thing is the last section. Have fun with it. My brother wrote that part.**

Chapter 12

"Okay, we're making our great escape!" Bobby said.

"That's all fine and dandy…" Ray began.

"But…?"

"Is the…uh…grappling hook really necessary?"

"Hells yeah. Now shut up." Bobby responded. "Follow me," he whispered to Amara, Sam, and Ray. They walked out the doors.

"I thought you said the grappling hook was necessary!" Ray said loudly to Bobby when they were out of the theater.

"It was,"

"You didn't use it!"

"But it looks awesome!"

Beast The Observer turned to Xavier. "Hey! Did you see that? The kids just snuck out!" Beast, Indignant One stood up. "We have to stop them!"

"Yeah, I heard them mentally. That and something about apple cider, green lipstick, and Amara in a French maid's costume from Sam's head." Xavier replied.

"Well, come on then! Let's stop them!"

"No, don't!"

"Why not?"

"Because that's the way we roll, homey. We have to ignore the fact they're breaking the rules now, even though it's painfully obvious, and act surprised and punish them later."

"Don't call me 'homey'," replied Beast The Still Kinda Indignant.

--------------------------------------

"Hey, did Amara, Bobby, Sam, and Ray just sneak off?" Jubilee asked.

"I think so. Why?" Roberto asked.

"Well, they must be going to another movie! Why didn't they include us?"

"They must have their reasons for not including us. They each don't like one of us for some reason." Rahne observed, looking at Jubilee, Roberto, Jamie, Tabitha and herself.

"Bobby doesn't like me because he knows he can't have me." Jubilee pointed out.

"Ray doesn't like me because we're the same in almost every way." Roberto said.

"Sam doesn't like me because I party hardy, and he's a redneck." Tabitha said.

"Amara doesn't like me because she thinks it's weird that I don't shave my legs." Rahne said.

They all looked at Jamie. Roberto said, "And _no one _likes Jamie because-"

"You don't have to say it." Jamie looked glum and stared down at his candy and soda.

"Jamie, you have to smile. May be if you smiled more, you would look more mature and you wouldn't seem so small and insignificant, Jamie."

Jamie started to cry and stuffed his head, neck and shoulders inside his box of milk duds while the others laughed. Chocolate-caramel tears began to drip down his shirt.

---------------------------------------

Avalanche staggered out of the theatre and sighed, recalling what happened. When the ElRancho Device activated, Pietro had been holding it and running toward Avalanche. After it detonated, ranch dressing spattered everything in the theatre (except the screen, as it was a very polite bomb). Pietro spun out of control and formed an obligatory-super-fast-guy-tornado, demolishing 3 whole rows, one seat of which contained Spyke (that was on purpose). Avalanche dodged the tornado, but Toad didn't. When the tornado dissipated, Quicksilver collapsed into a seat.

"Not-so-dear brother!" Wanda yelled, "You stained my trench coat off-white! I never wear anything with "white" in its name!" She crushed Pietro in his folding seat, breaking beventeen of his ribs.

Blob had ranch dressing in his eyes, but that didn't stop him from eating his Pharoah-sized popcorn and drinking his Nile-sized cream soda (as big as a sarcophagus or your money back!). Unfortunately, he didn't notice the Toad legs sticking out of his popcorn. With his mighty meathooks, he shoveled Toad into his enormous maw.

"BABY-SWEETUM-DOLL-CAKE!" Toad shrieked, reasonably nervous. "SAVE ME!"

Wanda sighed in exasperation. "Spit it out, Blob. You don't know where its been."

"Yes, scary lady," Blob replied, removing the Toad from his throat. He stared sadly at his towering snack. "My popcorn will never be the same."

"I've lost them allllllllll!" Avalanche cried to the sky.

"We're right here," Pietro's muffled voice asserted from the chair. But the truth could not crack Lance's despair, due to dressing blocking his eyes, ears, and one nostril. He stumbled out the emergency exit, crying tears of unimaginable sadness as the credits rolled.

---------------------------------------

**Don't worry, it's not over. Heehee, Jamie-bashing is fun!**


	13. Gonna Get High as a Kite

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. But you know that! Haha, that's as obvious as the fact that Tim Speedle should've CLEANED THAT FREAKIN' GUN!**

**I noticed something strange. I used to be getting more revews than this. I have not been getting reviews as fast and there have been no reviews for the latest few chapters, even when I asked for suggestions. What's wrong? Are you boycotting me for what I did to Ray in my other fanfic? )-: Or have people just stopped reviewing? Truthfully, I think it's the last one, because it's not like the hits of the story have gone down or anything. Now read. And review.**

* * *

"Now, the question is, what movie should we see?" Bobby asked out loud. 

"'An Inconvenient Truth'?" Sam asked hopefully.

"No, that movie is global crapping. How about the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie?" Ray suggested.

"Everyone in the world saw that but you, Ray. Even Osama Bin Laden"

Ray slouched a little bit and looked off into the distance.

"Okay then, how about 'Clerks 2'?" Sam made another suggestion.

"The last time I saw Jay and Silent Bob it gave me gas." Bobby replied.

"I want to see 'A Scanner Darkly'!" Amara said.

"I saw that already." Ray said.

Amara's hair lit on fire. "WE DO WHAT _I _WANT, MIDDLE-CLASS FOOLS!"

Sam jumped a few steps back. Ray looked at the fire with a longingly suicidal look on his face.

"D-Drug trippy movieit is, th-then…" Bobby said nervously stammering.

Amara's hair went back to normal and she smiled. "Yay! Who wants to buy me more popcorn?" she sang.

----------------------------------------

Gambit looked around. Sabretooth had fallen asleep during the movie. Pyro was chewing his popcorn noisily, and when he was done with one particular mouthful he stopped chewing, opened his mouth wide, and kept it that way. Colossus was holding up a sign that said "I Wish I Was Somewhere Else".

"So what's this about anyway?" Magneto asked.

"A super ex-girlfriend," Gambit replied unenthusiastically. He then did a double take. "MAGNETO? Whoa, what are you doing here, _mon ami_?"

"Stop calling me that. You weren't in the training room I built you, so I moseyed my way up here and WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU TRAINING?"

"Uh, your kids are too! We just followed 'em!" Gambit said fearfully. He then covered his head with his hands, waiting for Magneto to deform his face with something metal.

"I'm not a drunken father who just ran out of Budweiser; get your hands of your head." Magneto ordered. Gambit obeyed. "Now where are my offspring?"

"Somewhere." Gambit looked down at his feet. "Ahhh!" he yelled when he realized that he was covered in ranch dressing. "I'm just noticing this now!"

Pyro smiled at the white glop all over himself. "I like it!" he giggled. "But I'd like it better burned to a crisp."

Magneto frowned. "Pietro…" he said to himself angrily.

---------------------------------------

Pietro jumped out of the crushed chair with a sickening snap sound coming from his rib cage. "I think my father is here," he said bleedingly.

"You can tell?" Blob looked confused.

"It's like spidey-sense, but instead of getting filled with a sense of justice-bringing righteousness, I get filled with raw fear and unhappiness."

Lance stumbled inside. He sadly looked up at the Brotherhood. "Oh my fucking god, ghosties!" he yelled in fear, pointing at them.

"I think my Power-8 symptoms have worn off already," Pietro said, ignoring Lance.

Callisto heard him from the row in front of him. "Wait…you mean us taking in Spyke was completely unnecessary?"

"Looks that way."

Callisto swore and started banging her head on the chair.

"What's the matter?" Caliban whispered to her. "You haven't done that since I spent our food money on TiVo."

"We don't even have a TV in the sewer!"

"Yeah, but it's so convenient."

* * *

**Thank you for reading. Now give me the privilege of saying "thank you for reviewing". Thanks to those who already have, by the way, you're the ones keeping this story alive!**


	14. How Hot Was Them D Listers?

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. What's on the dessert menu?**

**This chapter has Magneto screaming, Xavier being evil, and girl talk gone horribly wrong. Enjoy**

Chapter 14

"That was a good movie! What was it again?" he asked Jean, who was wiping dressing from her dress.

"My Super Ex-Girlfriend. Where would you rate it, on a scale of 1 to 10?" she said to Scott.

"Uh…" Scott started counting on his fingers. "What comes after four?"

Just as they were walking by the next theater, Amara, Ray, Bobby, and Sam came out.

"You guys! Did you sneak in that movie?" Jean asked angrily.

"You tell us. You're the telepath." Ray responded.

Jean looked at the younger kids for a minute. "So you did? That was naughty!" Then her expression changed into an overenthusiastic smile. "So how was your movie?"

Sam smiled. "I don't know. I feel like I'm wasted."

"Me too!" Bobby said.

"Me too!" Amara agreed.

Ray looked at them confused. "You feel stoned? I feel like bugs are eating my innards."

"Girl talk time!" Jean sang, turning to Amara. "So, how was Keanu Reeves?"

"Hot! Handsome! Squiggle-animated! Stoned!" Amara replied quickly.

"How was Robert Downey Jr.?"

Amara's smile faded into a look of confusion. "Wait, what?"

"He's hot!" Jean sighed.

"Ew!" Amara said.

"Well, if you won't tell me how hot Robert Downey Jr. was, how hot was Rory Cochrane?" Jean persisted.

Amara still looked confused. "Huh? Who's he?"

"How hot was Winona Ryder?" Jean said smiling.

Amara threw up in Ray's popcorn bucket.

"Hey, I was saving the kernels!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"SINCE WHEN IS A MOVIE TRAINING!"

"It was a-a-a superhero m-movie," Pietro stuttered. "W-we-we were learning ab-b-bout the enemy."

"Yeah, like you can really get powers from a comet!" Magneto roared.

"I'll train them for real from now on, Dad."

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL! Wanda is their new training instructor from now on, because you can't be trusted to run anything bigger than a Starbuck's!"

Pietro looked up. "Can I run a Starbuck's?"

"NO! Ryan Seacrest goes to Starbuck's! You could die or something worse than that! Wanda, how should my Acolytes train?"

"I don't care," Wanda said, uninterested as Pietro whimpered in a corner. "Drop them in a jungle somewhere and leave me alone."

Magneto seemed satisfied. "Pack your bags, boys. You're goin' to get lost in the Amazon without a map. Even you, Mastermind, I don't care if you're like, 55."

"YEAH!" growled Sabretooth. "I get _jaguar_ for dinner!"

"But we could dieee, heh heh," moaned and giggled Pyro.

"I'm only worried about you if you don't die. Now get in the pod."

"Wait, wait," interrupted Gambit. "When did we get in the spaceship?"

"Off-panel," replied Magneto happily. "Now shut up and get going. You too, Pietro."

"But-"

"GOOOOO!"

"Yessir."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scott led the four New Mutants on leashes over to Professor Xavier and Beast, The One That Needs To Go To The Bathroom Real Bad.

"Professor, these guys snuck into another movie."

"We know."

"What?"

"Uh, I said, bad kids! Bad!" Xavier sent some mental shockwaves over the four New Mutants that went to the other movie. They collapsed in pain on the floor and convulsed.

"Ha. Ha ha," Xavier laughed evilly.

"What movie did they see?" Beast The Still Blue asked, holding his crotch.

"A Scanner is Dark." Scott replied.

"What?"

"A Scanner is Dark."

"I think you mean 'A Scanner Darkly'?"

"But that's bad grammar!"

Beast The Now Frustrated sighed, crossing his legs. "Never mind. Let's just get home." He looked over at the writhing, pained teenagers. "Come on, get up, kids!"

Amara screamed. Sam seized and flew into a garbage can and stopped. Ray started making radio signals.

Bobby shouted, "I see dead people!"

"Cool." Beast, Wearer Of Pants That Are Now Yellow was amazed.  
"Let's go home," said Xavier. "The headaches I gave you are giving me a headache, and I need to run painful tests on myself to find out why I feel so passive-aggressive… and aggressive-aggressive."

"Yeah, okay," said a nearby garbage can.

I second that, Berzerker said in A.M. radio, projecting his voice on 3 Liberal-News Networks, and 1 conservative one. Everyone heard him on a nearby boom box that was just there for some reason.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Of course, you all know who Rory Cochrane is. What? You don't? Well then, you shall have no pie. Ha! No pie! Nyah-nyah!**


	15. CSI: Insert Fart Joke Here

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution, CSI, CSI: Miami, or CSI: New York.**

**I know this chapter doesn't have any Ass-olytes. They'll be there next chapter. Okay? We fine and dandy? Glad to hear it.**

Chapter 15

"Hmmm…" Lance thought to himself. "What are we going to do for money now that's Pietro gone? Now there's no one to spout hyperactive ideas about train robberies."  
"We do need money real bad," Fred echoed.

Toad was in the kitchen fixing "lunch" for himself and Wanda. Wanda walked towards Lance and grabbed him by his vest.

"LANCE! Toad…is…driving…me….crazy! We have to find a way to get rid of him!" she exclaimed.

"Well, we need money right now, we can't think of a way to bring Toad to his imminent doom right now." Lance replied.

Wanda let go of Lance and thought for a minute. Suddenly an idea hit her like…like Juggernaut hitting a hydroelectric dam. When she recovered from this awful hit, she wiped the blood from her face and whispered something into Lance's ear. He smiled evilly and relayed the message to Blob. Lance then reached into a drawer and pulled out some duct tape. Blob grabbed a pound of rope out of nowhere, and Wanda took the fuzzy handcuffs out of her sock drawer.

"Yo! Wanda, Sweet Baby Cake Paris Hilton! Lunch is ready!" he walked into the living room, carrying a plate of something hideous and steaming, and Lance and Blob walked toward him threateningly with the rope and tape as Wanda twirled handcuffs casually around her finger. "Uh, guys? Why are you going all 'Al Qaeda' on me?..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The New Mutants, Jean, and Beast The Couch Potato were watching "I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You!" on CBS.

"What's coming on next?" Ray asked.

"There's a huge marathon of CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, CSI: Oklahoma City, CSI: Bloomingdale's, and CSI: Trans Fat," Rahne answered.

"What episodes?" Roberto asked.

Amara searched the TV guide. "Let's see… CSI is 'Grave Danger', a.k.a. 'Nick is Screwed'. CSI Miami is 'Lost Son', a.k.a. 'David Caruso Can't Act'. CSI New York is 'Time of Your Death' a.k.a. 'What a Stupid Name For an Episode'…."

"Shhh! I love this commercial!"" Bobby said, clamping his hand on Amara's mouth as the K9 Advantix commercial came on (the one with the singing puppy).

"So cuuuuute!" Bobby ran into the TV headfirst and fell on the ground. The others ignored him. Then the next commercial came on.

"Hey isn't that…?" Jubilee said looking at the screen.

"It is! It's the Brotherhood!" Ray, who had rested his feet on Bobby, said loudly. "They're _selling _Toad…and he's cheap!"

They all looked at the screen. Lance was explaining how to use the bound, gagged, cuffed, and oddly barefoot Toad. "Many uses! Paperweight, doorstop, answering machine, punching bag, amplifier, mop, rug, anything you want! Buy it now for just $44.99! Call now and get it completely clothed!" The New Mutants stared in disbelief.

Lance continued, jumping and screaming at the camera. "BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Use your credit card and we'll provide a pamphlet for additional suggested uses of Toad! Do not get Toad wet. Do not feed Toad after midnight. Keep out of temperatures above 119 degrees for extended time. Avoid putting Toad in direct sunlight. Consult your doctor before using Toad. We only have enough Toad to serve the first customer. So call 1-900-555-TOAD, that number again IS 1-800-555-TODD!"

Jean got up. "SCOTT!" she shouted. "YOU BETTER COME DOWN!"

"What? What is it?" Scott came down the stairs. He looked at the screen and laughed. "Hee hee! The camera adds 20 pounds to Lance's head!"

Amara grabbed the arm of Beast, Sitting In His Favorite Recliner. "Mr. McCoy, we can't just let them sell a mutant. It's against the constitution, I think."

"No, actually it's not," replied Beast, Thinker Of Naughty Thoughts. "Selling _humans_ is against the law. Congress is still debating on mutants. Besides, I don't have enough left in my allowance to buy Toad."

"Xavier gives you an allowance?"

"Yes. We will speak no more of it."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Hey, now that I think of it, the phrase "David Caruso Can't Act" comes to mind with ALL the episodes of CSI Miami!**


	16. TanGELOS

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. I can't feel my face.**

**I started school today. I already have homework. What fun.**

Chapter 16

Pietro looked at a map, confused. Gambit was wondering what was taking him so long.

"Yo, _mon ami! _Which way are we supposed to go?" he asked frustrated.

"I don't know. It's not in English!"

"What language is it in?"

"Foreign."

"Foreign!"

"Yeah, you know. The language that isn't English and stuff."

Gambit sighed to himself. "Okay then. Sabretooth, by any chance do you know which way to go?"

"Which way to go where?"

"To civilization!"

Sabretooth looked confused. "Civilization…?" He suddenly snapped his head up and looked all around. "OH MY GOD WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREEEEESSSSST!"

"DUH!" Gambit yelled. He turned to Colossus. "Do you know which way to go?"

"All I know is that I love children,"

Gambit sighed and wondered yet again why Magneto hired Colossus of all people. "Pyro, do you?"

"No, buuuuut…" Pyro ripped off the top half of his uniform. "I'm too sexy for my shirt!" He then started to light some trees and birds and stuff on fire.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So Professor, what do you propose we do about Toad?" Amara asked Xavier.

"I propose you and all the other New Recruits leave promptly. You're too young and cute. Besides, our discussions are rated R for seriousness." He replied.

The New Mutants grumbled and left. When they were gone, Xavier looked at his X-Men.

"Team, what are we going to do about this?"

"About Toad?" Jean asked.

"No, Jean. About beaver-woodchuck creatures learning to use chainsaws. YES about Toad you wanna-be serious woman who's really a slut!"

"I don't gots no money, though," Beast The Broke said.

"I know, I know, I know!" Scott said, jumping on to the couch ala Tom Cruise.

"What?"

"A lemonade and cupcake stand for money!"

"That's just crazy enough to work!" Jean said in surprise.

"Okay, X-Men! Kurt and Kitty, you guys mix some lemonade up! Scott and Jean, you guys find a cupcake recipe!" Xavier ordered.

"Get Bobby back in here and make him cashier," Wolverine added. "He can make the ice and besides, his pretty face and empty head are perfect for register duty."

"Yes, sir!" everyone replied in unison. They left to do what was asked of them.

"Don't you have the money?" Storm asked, confused.

"Shhh!" Xavier replied. "This'll teach them the value of a dollar."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Elsewhere, Lance was recording his new commercial. "Allright folks, we had two people, count'em TWO, calling first _at_ _the same time._ We also had hundreds of other callers willing to pay $45 for this ugly little mutant. Soooooo, NEW DEAL! We're going to AUCTION Toad away! Come to eleventy-three Bishop Street at 5:00 PM tomorrow! That's 331 Bishop Avenue at 4:00 PM tomorrow! Prices start at $20, and minimum offer increase for the little stinker is $3! YOU CAN STILL OOOOOOWWWNN TOOAAD!"

He took off his jacket. "Announcing makes me hot and thirsty." He grabbed a can of "Juice", according to the fake-looking label, which he stared at. "999 percent juice. Nutritious." He then poured it on the no-longer-gagged Toad, who began to shriek, shake, and smoke. "Nice try, Toad, but I'mmmmmmmm allergic to tangelos!"

"IIt WaAaasSSSSNnN'TTT TTTTTanGEEEEEllLLlllOO!" screamed Toad. IIIItt WWaaa-AA-AaaSSSss P-P-p-p-PoooOWWweeEEEEEERrrR8-8-8, YYYYYYYyyyyoooOO!"

"You JERK!" Avalanche slapped Toad, then quickly ran and washed his hands. "You tried to poison me…while tied up! How did you write the label, anyhow?"

"I… write… with… my… feet…," Toad panted. "And… you… took… my… shoes… away."

"Fair enough." Lance reclined on Blob, who was napping on the floor and didn't notice. "Just like a beanbag chair. Now rest up, Toad, you'll be up for auction tomorrow."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Who knew Power-8 was made of 999 percent tangelos?**

**Oh yeah, and my brother contributed another section again. The third section.**

**Review. DO IT. It's not that hard, people!**


	17. Squawk! Annoying Repitition!

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. If you haven't figured that out yet, you're slow.**

**I'm sorry for the slight delay. But unfortunately, expect more of that.**

Chapter 17

Pietro found the Acolytes very annoying at the moment. Well, it was mostly Sabretooth. Sabretooth caught a jaguar and instead of eating it he perched it on his shoulder.

"We should turn left," Gambit said when they came to a little dirt path with two different ways to go.

"No, we should go right!" Sabretooth exclaimed. The jaguar sat up and started talking. "Squawk, squawk! Go right! Go right! Squawk! Right!"

"But the sun is pointing some way and the dirt is all…that color, and all that other crap, so we should turn left."

"But right is my lucky wayyyyy!" Sabretooth whined.

"Way! Squawk!"

Gambit looked frustrated. "No it isn't! You're just looking for something to argue about with me!"

"Squawk! Argue! With me!"

Sabretooth looked down. "Yeah…yeah I am,"

Pietro had had enough. "Shut up! Both of you! Okay, Colossus, which way do you think we should go?"

"That way," he responded bleakly, not looking up or pointing anywhere.

"Which way?"

Colossus looked up at the sky. "That way."

"Have you been hanging around Berzerker?" Pietro asked. Colossus said nothing.

"I know where to go!" Pyro blurted.

"We won't listen to you. You're crazy. And stupid."

Pyro responded by standing in silence for five seconds. He then proceeded to scream loudly. He jumped on the ground and spun around repeatedly, still screaming. He took off his backpack, reached inside, took out soggy waffles, and started throwing them at Pietro. All while still screaming.

"Alright! ALRIGHT! Which way do you want to go?" Pietro said exasperatingly.

"…mmm…" Pyro thought. "Hee hee! I forgot!"

Pietro's eye twitched involuntarily.

"SQUAWK! I forgot! I forgot! Squawk!"

"WHAT'S WITH THAT JAGUAR?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"X23, are you ready for initiation?" Amara asked.

"Sure! What do I have to do?" she replied enthusiastically.

"Well, for phase one, you-"

"Wait…'phase one'? How many phases are there?"

"We'll think of that when we come to it, won't we?" Ray said. "I think it's somewhere in the twenties."

X23 looked a little scared. But then she regained herself. "Okay, how should I start?"

"First you have to get paddled."

"Paddled ala 'canoes' or paddled ala 'Dazed & Confused'?"

Amara paused and turned to Rahne. "Which is more painful?"

"Second one," Rahne responded, trying to avoid saying too many words and not being allowed to talk anymore for the rest of the season.

"Okay, how do we do that?"

"Hmm…" Sam thought to himself. "We need lots of pot."

"We don't have the cash. We'll have to skip phase one." Amara said. "Phase two: Can You Handle the Pain? For this you have to sit through this for one entire hour." She put headphones over X23's ears.

"What is this anyway?"

"A choice of poisons. Smooth jazz, or William Hung."

X23 shuddered, scared of the pain yet to come for the next excruciating hour.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What do you think they're talking about?" Amara asked the other New Mutants out loud.

"I don't know. Whatever it is, Bobby's in on it and he won't tell us." Jubilee responded bleakly.

"They'll probably screw up whatever plan they have," Ray said. "I hate life and stuff."

X23 was singing quietly to herself, "I feel like stabbin' tonight…staaabiiinnn' tonight…"

"You know what?" Amara asked.

"What?" Ray asked.

Amara paused with her mouth open. "I don't know." She sat back down in a huff.

"Let's rescue Toad ourselves!" Ray blurted.

"Okay!" Amara said enthusiastically. "And since you thought of it, it'll be all your fault if we fail! Now let's go put our super-suits on!"

"Yeah, let's go!" Ray said. "Wait…what? Since when do we have super-suits?"

"Ray, if you'd been paying attention at all, you would have realized we had super-suits all along. You're just _dumb_."

Ray started sobbing into his hands, and shocked his eyeballs by accident.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Poor Ray. I love Ray, but it's fun to see him in pain.**

**Bye-bye.**


	18. Satanic Objects

Chapter 18

Lance woke up from his Beanbag Blob® and shuffled to the door to answer it. "Ugh…what?" he said when he answered.

Forge was the delivery man dressed in a white suit. "FedExFactor. Your favorite mutant delivery service."

"Awesome. What did I get?" Lance looked behind Forge.

"You have nine packages sir."

"Sweet!" With Forge's help, he got all the packages inside the boarding house. Lance tipped Forge and told him to leave.

"Um, sir…"

"I told you to get out already!"

"But this is a used bus ticket you tipped me!"

"Deal with it!" Lance shoved Forge out and slammed the door. "Now let's get to opening these packages!" Lance went into the kitchen to get a knife.

"Lance…" Fred said warily, and groggily.

"What?" he called from the kitchen.

"I think one of the packages flipped over…"

"Dang. I knew I shouldn't have stacked them that way…"

"But you didn't stack them. At all. It just flipped over."

"Whatevs." Lance walked in with a kosher knife. He walked over to the first package. Just as was about to open the first package, he was surprised to see that what looked like a razor blade popped out of the top of the package; and the package opened itself.

"Oh my god!" Lance dropped the knife and jumped away.

"Packages from heeeellllllll!" Blob wailed, and started lumbering around in a circle.

Another package started getting bite marks in the front. The one to the left of the biting one started burning up and falling apart. Next to the burning one, a package gave off static shocks. The package behind it just exploded. Yet another package started flashing.

Amara lifted herself from the burning wreckage that was once the package she resided in. Boom-Boom jumped out from the exploded one. Another package's top just burst open and Roberto climbed out. Rahne stepped out of the bitten one. A package rocketed around the room and smashed open to reveal Cannonball. Soon enough, all of the New Mutants were standing in the living room, except for Ray. The package giving off static hadn't opened.

"Help! I can't get it open!" Ray shouted from his package.

"Loser!" Roberto sneezed into his hands, as five of Jamie all pointed and laughed at the shaking electric box.

Amara sighed and got Ray out with her fire powers. She looked him over. "What's with the popcorn kernels? She asked, looking at the kernel filled Ziploc.

"You'll see…" he said smiling.

"We're here to save the froooooog!" X23 shouted. She jumped at Lance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yeah, ok. Bye!" Pietro hung up his cell phone.

"Who was that, _mon frere_?" Remy inquired.

"That was Toad. Did you know he can operate a cell phone with his toes? He's really talented and-"

"How d'you get reception in the bloomin' rain forest!" Pyro interjected, looking up from the random underbrush and reptiles he was burning away.

"When Magneto's my father, I _always_ get cell phone reception… unless I pissed him off."

"SQUAWK! Bloomin' reception forest!" the jaguar mimicked.

"It makes me wonder what Sabretooth can do with lions and tigers," Gambit pondered. "Anyway, _mon ami_, what was Toad calling about?"

"It seems without me, the Brotherhood falls apart," Pietro said proudly. "For example, Toad is up for auction, and Wanda's happy. If I was there, I wouldn't allow those horrible things to happen! Well, they need me, so I'll just ditch you and run to New York. It won't take more than an hour or so," he added, looking at his watch.

"WHAT ABOUT US?" Sabretooth yelled. Just then, Wolverine burst from the trees and tackled Sabretooth claws-first, causing the jaguar to hop off Sabretooth's shoulders and perch on a tree. Sabretooth kicked Logan off his bleeding chest and got up. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Victor roared.

"It's been too long since we had a fight sequence, bub," Wolverine said angrily. "I had to come seek you out and attack you."

"Ohhh, that makes sense."

"Well, that was fun," Pietro said, "but I gotta run."

"Wait!" cried Gambit. "Could you at least call in a rescue for us?"

"SQUARK! Ditch horrible us! Won't rescue! SQUAWWWK!"

"Don't mind if I do." Pietro speeded off.

"You bubs can come home in the transport 'copter I borrowed from SHIELD," Wolverine offered as politely as Wolverine could. "I want Sabretooth close by so he's easier to attack for no reason."

"Now we can leave this horrible place which is not at all like my homeland," Colossus proclaimed.

"I am so taking the jaguar!" said Sabretooth happily.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

X23 hurled herself at Lance. However, while she was in mid-jump, Blob grabbed her and tossed her into Roberto. They both went flying into the wall, leaving a crater. X23 got up immediately. Roberto was crushed.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" Wanda shouted when she saw the New Mutants and cratered wall.

"This is going on, she-goth-peasant!" Amara aimed her fire covered hands towards Wanda, but the second before she fired, sticky green goop was spat on her face. Amara misfired.

"I can't let you hurt my Snookums Pookie Baby Pastry!" Toad shouted.

While Amara was getting the goop off her face, Boom-boom ran up to the tied-up Toad, pulled his pants back, and shot her explosives down his pants.

"AyYYYyyyaaaggghaAAh!" Toad squealed.

Cannonball launched himself towards Scarlet Witch, but using all of her power, she caught him while he was flying, and hurled him into the downstairs toilet. Rahne tried to bite her leg, but Wanda blasted her into the coffee table. Eighteen Jamies were climbing on the Blob. Boom-boom and Jubilee were off doing something.

Lance turned to Ray. "Take this!" Lance shot is seismic waves Berzerker's way. Berzerker ran to the other side of the room, reached into his super-suit, and took out his Ziploc.

"Berzerker's popcorn kernels of DOOM!" Berzerker powered up his electricity in his hands and grabbed a fistful of popcorn. Immediately they turned into foot-long fully cooked popcorn pieces and shot at Lance. They stuck to his face.

"What the heck-OUCH!" Lance shouted in pain and surprise. While stuck to his face, the popcorn pieces sent shocks into Lance's face. "This friggin' hurts! It's-OW! OUCH! Make it stop! OUCH! Owwwwww!" he cried. He collapsed to the ground and held his face.

Ray stood with a blank smile on his face. He stood like that for about a minute until three Jamies were tossed at him and knocked him out.

X23 was kicking Lance with her toe claw out. He was crying and bleeding. Blob had surrendered after a while so he could go eat a Philly cheesesteak or twelve.

"Grrr…" Amara had finally gotten the sticky goop off her face. Without using her powers, she picked up Toad and took him up the stairs.

"Uhhh…I'm sorry about the goop! Please don't maim me!" he pleaded.

She ignored his pleas and hurled him through a closed window.

Wanda tried to use a sofa as a projectile weapon and dropped it on her foot. She then became incapacitated as the roof exploded due to her anger.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How are the cupcakes coming along?" Xavier asked Jean and Scott. "Fine. We're making the icing and-" the front door slammed open and interrupted Jean.

"Hey!" Amara said. "Put those stupid cupcakes down! Toad is no longer up for sale! Thanks to US!"

"Wow, the public must've lost interest fast." Jean said thoughtfully.

"Public?" Sam asked. "What public? Didn't you hear Amara? _We _stopped the Brotherhood!"

Scott laughed loudly and touched Sam's shoulder. "Yesiree, you guys just keep telling yourself that…"

"It's true!"

"Ahaha, no it isn't, Sam. No it isn't." Rogue said with extra diss.

"Why won't you believe us?"

"'Cause you guys suck!" Nightcrawler said happily. He was overjoyed that there would be fresh homemade pastries that weren't made by Kitty, and didn't mind paying for the privilege.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay X23. Moving on with initiation. Here are the next phases. We are going to reenact some CSI and CSI Miami episodes that we saw the other day. The CSI episode is Grave Danger: Where Nick Stokes gets buried alive. You can be Nick! Don't worry, he lives with barely any brain damage… I think." Amara said.

X23 sighed and closed her eyes. "Great…then what?"

"CSI Miami episode: Lost Son. The episode where Tim Speedle gets shot. You can be Speedle!"

X23 looked up. "Does he live?"

"No!" Amara laughed.

"Great…"

"Whee!" Bobby was jumping up and down in happiness.

"Heyyyyy!" Pietro came running over with the Brotherhood close behind. "Since we want to be X-Men, and we aren't yet, but we _want _to be, we're New Mutants too!"

"Awesome..." Amara lied.

"Wait…" X23 looked at the Brotherhood. "You guys look familiar. Did I slay you before?"

"Lavabitch threw me out a window! Yesterday!" Toad replied, rubbing the new scars on his arm.

"And YOU kicked through my ribs with claws! I survived only because Wanda used her powers on me and me living is bad luck for people in general!" Avalanche screamed.

"Oh, right. Good times, good times…"

"We have our own 'phases', too…" Pietro said and laughed evilly. He continued for about a minute until the others looked at him strangely.

"By the way," Wanda said, producing rope, "we still need money."

"Yeah," added Lance, who produced lots of duct tape, "and we also need people to auction."

"Nobody would want to buy me with all these fresh scars;" Toad insisted, grinning and pulling out a tazer and a samurai sword he stole from Wolverine's private collection. "Guess what, yo: people loooove package deals."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Uh-oh. I think it's kind of obvious where this is going! If you don't know where this is going, you're slow.**


	19. In Communist Russia, Fanfic Reads You!

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution...tell me I'm pretty!**

**Read.**

Chapter 19

'"Look at all the rich people!" Toad said, looking out the broken window of the Brotherhood Boarding house.

"Yeah. Won't they be happy when they realize that instead of a single Toad for sale, there is a whole bunch of mutants!" Lance said, looking over at the tied-up New Mutants lying on the ground. Except for X23, who was in five straight jackets and surrounded by an electric fence and a sign that said "Do Not Disturb".

"You'll pay for this!" Amara said, thrashing around violently.

Lance put a piece of tape over her mouth. "Be quiet, princess girl of Marco Polo!"

Everyone was trying to wriggle out of the ropes except for Ray. Bobby looked at him, panting. "Why…aren't you…trying…to escape, Ray?"

"What's the point? We could always do the painfully obvious and use our powers to get out, but hello! This is a cartoon."

"You can't use your powers!" Lance protested. "The ropes are... uh… um … magical."

"Yeah! They're magical uber-ropes!" Pietro proclaimed proudly.

"Aargh!" Roberto tried to power himself up with solar energy, but the Brotherhood took it upon themselves to make a fort out of quilts and comforters and build it around him to keep the sun's light from getting to him.

Wanda looked over at the Robert-quilt-fort. "Wouldn't it have just been easier to lock him in the closet or something?"

"We'll remember that next time," Lance replied.

X23 was still writhing endlessly. "PERISH!" she hollered at the Brotherhood.

"Quiet girl with claws, brown hair, Wolverine's DNA, and ANGER!" Pietro yelled back at her. "In case you didn't know, that means you!"

"I'll kill you! With a stapler!"

"I'll kill you with an AOL disk!"

"I'll kill you with a video iPod!"

"I'll kill you with Justin Timberlake's latest CD!"

X23 looked at him. "I can't beat the pain in that… I don't own a Kevin Federline CD…"

"Quiet!" Pietro said, grabbing a microphone and putting his hands on the front door, ready to open it. "You guys are live in three, two, one…"

"Hellooooo, buyers of Bayville!" Lance said, stepping out of the house with a game-show-announcer type voice and a monkey suit. "I know, you all came with one thing on your mind: owning your very own Toad!"

The hopeful buyers cheered.

"BUT as you know, there is only one Toad! So, to satisfy your craving for your own personal mutant, we are now putting up for auction; a whole crew full of mutants!" Lance stepped aside from the front door, revealing the New Mutants.

The audience did nothing.

"Well? Isn't that awesome?"

Still silence.

Lance pointed to Bobby. "C'mon people! Who wants this handy-dandy little personal snow-cone machine? Also good for and ice-maker, air conditioning, cooler, knitting…"

"Hey! That was our little secret!" Bobby said, embarrassed.

"And how about this interesting boy over here? Get this people: his hair has not one, but TWO colors!" Lance announced, showing 3 fingers. "He's good for many things, including significantly reducing your power bill!" Lance said, poking poor Ray with a long stick.

"Or if a girl is more fit to your interest right now, take a look at this! We have a wolf and a girl ALL IN ONE!" Pietro said pointing to Wolfsbane, realizing the potential buyers still didn't look happy.

"Or maybe you-"

"We want Toad," a customer said.

"What?" Pietro paused.

"He said what's on all our minds! WE WANT TOAD, YOU DUMB DUMB DUMB MUTANT-TYPE GUY!"

Lance turned to Pietro, then to Wanda, then to Blob then back to Pietro. "Man, they really want Toad!" he whispered frantically.

"No crap, Lance!" Wanda replied.

"Then there's only one thing to do…" Pietro turned to Toad. All of the Brotherhood members turned to Toad.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scott sat watching commercials. He didn't really get many of the big words they used, like "finance", "injection", or "Hugh Laurie", but he didn't mind. Besides, Jean was there to explain some things to him.

Scott saw a new commercial by Lance. "Hello again, wanna-be buyers. Toad is back for sale and…ahhh…yeah, whatever. Pietro take over, I'm sick of this."

"Hello, people! There is Toad for sale at this number and this street and bye-bye!"

The screen went black.

Scott pouted. "Our plan didn't work…"

"Oh, Scott, it was a good idea, though," Jean comforted.

Scott still stuck out his bottom lip.

Jean sighed. "Scott, if I got you some ice cream, would that make you feel better?"

He perked up. "Yeah! Can I get a sundae?"

"Of course!"

"Yay! Oh by the way, do you know where the New Recruits are? I haven't seen them all day!"

"Nooo…" Jean searched her mind.

The front door burst open and the New Mutants walked in looking very ragged, dirty, and beaten.

"Hey, guys!" Jean said, not fazed by their appearance.

Amara had dirt all over her hair, uniform, and face. "We…just…hitched…a ride…over…here…with our…teeth!" she panted.

"Why?" Scott looked confused.

"Because we were tied up and _you _didn't answer the phone! We had to leave Boom-boom and Roberto behind!"

"Way to pass the blame, Amara." Jean retorted.

"Don't worry," Scott reassured them. "Those two are natural-born trackers… I'm sure they could find our large mansion."

"Just last week," Jamie argued, "Sunspot got lost in a paper bag, and three months ago, Boom-boom disappeared for a month and turned up in a Roman coliseum, dressed as a gladiator!"

"Oh, yeah…Cerebro will find them!"

"No can do. Yesterday, X23 took a sledgehammer to Cerebro because it 'looked at her funny'." Sam reminded them.

"Oh, yeah… they're doomed."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Yeah. I don't really need you to tell me I'm pretty. I'm not Paris Hilton.**

**Review. DO IT. It only takes a minute! It can be anonymous, I don't care! Just don't flame, that's all I'm asking.**


	20. Sugarfree Red Bull is for Squares

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Being unstable and bitchy is all part of my mystique.**

**My brother wrote the Acolytes section and Mastermind's paragraph. I am making him my official cowriter.**

**By the way, has anyone here seen the video for Evanescence's "Call Me When You're Sober"? When I first saw a minute of it, I thought, "Hey, that girl looks a leetle bit like Scarlet Witch!" but I paid it no more heed for a while. Then I realized, "Hey! This song is angry! Like Scarlet Witch! And she's wearing black and red! Like Scarlet Witch!" It was then I was starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe she modeled herself after Scarlet Witch. My brother said it could be Scarlet Witch's theme song. THEN lead singer Amy Lee started to fly and have powers. Screw it being Scarlet Witch's theme song, that IS Scarlet Witch!**

Anyways, Chapter 20

"X23, in honor of Roberto and Boom-boom getting home thanks to Wolverine and Rahne's tracking senses, we are going to proceed with your initiation!"

X23 raised her finger in the air and twirled it. "Yay…" she said unenthusiastically.

Ray frowned. "That doesn't make me happy. Why doesn't that make me happy?" he looked at the sky. "Am I cursed to depression?" he looked over at Amara. "Amara, I think I'm ill."

"Amazingly enough Ray, I don't give a shit." Amara said, perky.

Ray looked as if he was going to cry. "You're a MONSTER!"

"You're…a billy goat."

"Could we just get the phases over with?" X23 huffed.

"First, you have to balance a glass of water and read out loud whatever's on the note cards we show you."

"I know you're going to write something hideously embarrassing, but that sounds easy, actually." The brown-haired mutant took the glass of water from Amara and balanced it on her head easily. Sam took out the first notecard.

X23 began reading out loud. "Hugs, not drugs."

The second notecard was shown. "Honk if you hit stuff when happy."

The third was shown, and X23 continued reading. "I was created in a lab and all I got were these stupid claws."

The fourth. "I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier."

"Lunch ladies have power over the president."

"Sheep."

"I dub thee Pinto." X23 looked up. "Are they done?"

Yeah." Sam put the cards down. "We were going to write more, but it was Roberto's feeding time."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gambit opened his eyes. His vision was kinda blurry. He closed them, grabbed from his trench coat a small vial of a beer/coffee/grape soda/Red Bull combination Pietro had made (Pietro had accidentally created the best hangover cure in world history), drank half of it, and tried his vision again. It was almost _too_ good now. He sat up, and saw Pyro trying to clip his own toenails with fire.

"_Mon ami_, what did we trip on last night?"

Pyro snickered. "You didn't get high, mate. When we got back to Westchester in Wolvie's chopper, you hit on Rogue. She took off her glove before bitch-slapping you out of the second-story window. We never left the Institute Grounds, eheheh."

"Hunh? Ohhhh…AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Gambit freaked out (a side effect of Pietro's 'cure', but it didn't happen to Pietro himself).

Pyro had a good laugh, as did Sabretooth, who had just gotten back from hunting pigeons on the tennis courts. Colossus was at the edge of the pool, staring off into space.

"Hey, freaks!" Nightcrawler called out from his bedroom window. "Now that you're all awake, go away!" Nightcrawler was dressed in pajamas with little swords on them.

"You're the freak, freak!" Sabretooth called, causing Pyro to double over, screaming in maniacal laughter. Everyone just stared at him.

"Hey…" Gambit said, suddenly switching gears and thinking, "wasn't Mastermind in the jungle with us?"

Pyro composed himself. "Yeah, he was." Then he started laughing so hard he fell into the pool and started drowning.

"Well, he didn't come back to the States on the 'copter. I wonder where he is." Gambit pondered, as Kurt rescued Pyro from the pool so the X-mansion wouldn't be in the newspapers _again._

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

"Helloooooooo…? HELP!" Mastermind was being totally surrounded by a swarm of hundreds of thousands of mosquitoes, eager to feast on human blood for the first time in months. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!" His cry echoed through the trees.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Note: Pietro's cure is not actually a cure. DO NOT DRINK THAT MIX. I don't know what will happen if you do.**

**Oh, and I stole the billy goat thing from A Scanner Darkly. Damn that movie has awesome quotes!**

**Byebye.**


	21. This NOTICE is Red and Green Colorblind

NOTICE: An XParody will be on break for an entire week. Believe it.

BUT if you have a hankering for some Yellowfur-written Pietro, my cartoon crossover story "Who Wants To Stay Sane" has Pietro from X-Men Evolution along with a number of characters from other cartoons and animes.

**_-Yellowfur, writer of fanfics, strange individual, lover of "Empire Records", watcher of YouTube, she with too many titles._**


	22. Thank You Sir May I Have Another!

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. **

**Well, XParody's back from mini-break! Enjoy it!**

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, what's the next phase?" X23 asked, her arm covered in "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" themed temporary tattoos for her previous initiation phase.

"You get to act out some music videos!"

"Joy. What first?"

"OK GO on treadmills!"

"…"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scott sat trying to focus on CSI. But just like in "House, M.D.", there were some things he just couldn't understand. Like, how does blood turn out blue? What do they mean by "DNA analyzing"? And just what does CSI stand for?

"'Sup," Bobby came in and sat on the sofa next to Scott.

"Soooo, Bobby…"

"Yes, Sir Scottstinstein?"

"Do you consider yourself an X-Man?"

Bobby thought to himself. "Yeah, I guess I'm the new Spyke. Should I become some sort of minority?"

"No, that's not necessary," Scott replied. "But there **is** an initiation."

"_I'll do it,_" Bobby said coolly. "What's the initiation?"

Scott reared back, and viciously slapped Bobby across the face An X-shaped welt quickly formed on the young mutant's cheek. Bobby cried out: "YYAAUGHHOWOWOWOOOOWWWWWWIIIEEE!"

Everyone jumped out and yelled, "SURPRISE!" A banner saying CONGRAT- ULATIONS flopped down from the ceiling. "You're an X-man now! Go put some ice on that!"

"Grreeaat," Beast, Smarter Than Thou Art said sarcastically. "Now we have yet another X-man who is blue while in the middle of a battle. I'm going to watch CSI."

"What does that stand for?" Scott asked.

"Shut up," ordered Beast The Exasperated.

"Crackling Soda Impalers." Bobby answered, leaving the room and going towards his home-away-from-home: the freezer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Touch touch touch," Sabretooth repeated gleefully. "Touch touch poke poke poke STAB!" Using his fangs and claws, he tore the cushions of the couch. "This is _so_ fun! STAB!"

"So... what are we doing here?" Colossus asked, leaning against the cracked wall.

"We're waiting for _monsieur _Magneto to contact us," Gambit replied, as he made a beanbag chair explode, showering burnt beans all over the room. "In the meantime, we're 'touching' all of the brotherhood's stuff while they're visiting Pietro."

"I'm touching stuff to pieces!" Sabretooth added helpfully, leather and feathers dangling from his mouth.

"Do you smell burning bed sheets?" Colossus replied.

"I'm touching things with fire! WAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro called from upstairs. "Did you know Lance and Toad use a very flammable bedspread?" Pyro jumped down the stairs. "I wonder; can I make blue flame?"

"You've never tried it?" Gambit looked at him.

"No," Pyro looked thoughtful in a scary way. "I know how I can make it," he left the room, skipping.

"I know what we can do!" Sabretooth said, jumping up. "Let's order pizza!"

"Splendid idea!" Colossus went towards the closet and pulled out a phone book. "Let's see…who should we call?"

"How about this place? 'Mutant Served Pizza for Murderous Bastards'. We deliver and boast over 2,349 toppings! Including pieces of wheelchair.'" Gambit leaned over and looked at the Yellow Pages for Dummies.

"Sounds good!" Colossus picked up the phone and dialed the number, after asking what the others wanted. "Yes, is this 'Mutant Served Pizza for Murderous Bastards'? Good! I'll take one extra large pizza with ham, pineapple, and barbecue sauce, one extra large with chunks of Hollywood D-lister and every other meat except for veal, one extra-large with gum-gum fruit, one extra large…um…burnt pizza with …that spicy, sausage-type meat that isn't sausage…"

Forge, who was on the other line **(looks like Forge is in every mutant-directed business)**, sounded confused. "Wait, sir, do you mean pepperoni?"

"PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT WORD!" Colossus couldn't help shouting in fear. "Yeah, sure, whatever! Just don't say…the 'p' word again!"

"…okay…wait, what's that?"

"I didn't say anything," Colossus replied, confused.

"That's creepy…" Forge said nervously. "What was the rest of your order, sir?"

"And the last pizza is an extra large with Croissant Pockets. Thank you."

Gambit looked up from his game of Exploding Solitaire. "Who's the fifth pizza for?"

Pyro came in smelling like gasoline and with a bottle of blue food dye in his hand. "Nice pranking, huh?"

"What did you do?" Colossus asked.

"I recited the 'Barney The Dinosaur Greatest Hits Collection. I'm studying online at Trump University for a master's in Prank Callery." Pyro claimed proudly.

"I _said_," Gambit yelled, charging a card, "Who's the LAST PIZZA FOR?"

"I invited Mystique!"

"WHAT!" Gambit was then, by definition "freaked out".

The doorbell rang. "Open up, you hunks of burning stupidity!" An angry female voice rang out.

Pyro opened the door. "No, no, cutie, it's your house that's burnin'."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Looks like Colossus has a deep phobia for hearing the word "pepporoni". Did you know that? I didn't know that.**

**Oh, by the way, just to make sure there's no confusion, I'm going to say what every person ordered. Ham, pineapple and BBQ sauce pizza was Gambit's order. Meat and D-lister (I have such a sick mind and I'm proud) was Sabretooth's. Gum-gum fruit (I'm interested to see how many of you actually got that) was Colossus's order. Burnt pizza with the "p" word was Pyro's. And the Croissant Pocket pizza was Mystique-bitch's.**

**Until next time, my little...billy goats. ****Review. DO IT.**


	23. Gumgum Fruit And Anchovies

**I do not own X-Men Evolution. In communist Russia, Der Xparody reads you!**

**I've started naming chapter titles. I gave all the old chapters titles, so you can look at them.**

**Watch out. Mystique took bitchy pills.**

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mystique walked in, bumping into Gambit's shoulder on the way. She turned to Pyro. "WHERE ARE THE PIZZAS?"

Pyro looked thoughtful. "They're cooking like gravy on the bombshell with a side of potato chips!"

"Whatever," Mystique stomped over to Colossus, who was shaking in fear and had turned metal. Mystique punched him, and it made "clang" sound. "Stop shaking, you spineless, shiny coward!"

"Yes ma'am," Colossus straightened up and stopped shaking, his eyes looking straight ahead.

"And YOU!" Mystique turned to Sabretooth.

"Uh-oh…" Sabretooth murmured.

"Brush your hair! You look like a-"

"Sponge cake?" Pyro put forth.

"NO! Well, yes, but no!"

A knock at the door interrupted the growing chaos. "Did someone order some weird pizzas?" a voice rang out.

"Yes we did, and-" Gambit opened the door, but paused when he saw who it was.

"Well, why the HELL didn't you invite me?" Magneto was standing, holding the pizzas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, my Morlocks! We have an issue to discuss!" Callisto addressed her group of disfigured, or just plain ugly mutants, who she had gathered up for a meeting at the center of their shelter.

"As you may have noticed, the X-Men and Brotherhood have a lot of fun. We don't. And what else have you noticed they have that we don't?"

"Cable?" Scaleface asked.

"Fudge?" Caliban hissed.

"No! Beauty! Except for Nightcrawler, Beast The Not Reasonably Beautiful, and Blob, the X-Men and Brotherhood are all reasonably beautiful people!"

"What are you getting at, scary lady?" Spyke asked, carving some of his spikes into a monkey statue with lumps.

"I'm just saying that maybe if we had more fun, we won't be horribly disfigured." Callisto explained. "Now, who can give me some ways to have fun that we can afford?"

"Geico car insurance?" Spyke suggested.

"No, no insurance company would work with us,"

"A sack of potatoes?" the younger mutant persisted.

"No, too starchy,"

"The Red Hot Chili Peppers?"

"We can't afford a Stadium Arcadium! We can't even afford 'adium'!"

"Then I don't know!" Spyke started banging his head on the wall.

"Hmmm…" Caliban thought. "Maybe we should steal some money, then we could have more fun."

"That's a great idea! Since when are you so smart, Caliban?"

"I clip coupons."

"Who should we steal from?" asked Lucid, who was playing hackysack with his huge, dry booger.

"Let's steal from Xavier!" offered Spyke. "He has a mansion… and he can replace it in like, 3 days whenever it's destroyed! He must be loaded… and even if he's not, we can just steal and patent Cerebro! We'll be illionares!"

Callisto grinned evilly. "That's a great idea, Spyke! What have you been smokin'?"

"Nuthin'," Spyke lied.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**No, I didn't spell it wrong. I meant to say "illionares".**


	24. Sandwich, Not Beans!

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution, or any of the celebrities I used. Woot.**

**Now introducing, THE BROTHERHOOD IN HOLLYWOOD! Weird, huh?**

**Yeah, if you don't like to listen to celebrity jokes by the handful, you shouldn't read the second part of the Brotherhood part. Just warning you.**

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"HELLO CHIGAGO!" Toad screamed into the megaphone he had stolen from a police chief with his tongue. The chief had been shouting, "Come out with your hands up!" into a house filled with pimps and Ozzy Osbourne.

Wanda clubbed him over the head with one of next year's Emmy awards. It read, 'Best Game Show: Dead Like Me'. "We're in Hollywood, dipshit."

"Yeah, and I've already picked up the latest fashions," Blob gloated. He had nabbed the middle 'O' from the giant 'Hollywood' sign, and was wearing it as a belt.

"It's MY turn to steal a souvenir!" Avalanche complained.

"What do you want?" Blob asked, chowing down on a barrel of caviar.

"It's a secret," Lance replied.

A beeping sound went off in Toad's pocket. He looked at what seemed to be a big cell phone. Several differently colored dots were on the screen, three were blinking slowly, and a fourth was blinking rapidly. "Wow," Toad said, sweating. "Good thing we're not home. My 'scary people tracker' says Gambit, Sabretooth, and Mystique are all at our house, and Magneto's on his way."

"What famous people should we invade the privacy and personal space of next?" Blob asked.

"I don't know there's a party going on over there. There was a guy in front of the building who had a guest list. I crushed him under stoooones to get it." Avalanche looked over the guest list.

"So who's on it?" Wanda asked unenthusiastically.

"I don't know. Some people named Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Anna Paquin, Rebecca Romijn, Famke Janssen, Halle Berry…"

"Wow! Those people must be complete losers! I've _never _heard of them!" Toad laughed.

"Yeah, they must be some D-list nobodies!" Lance agreed.

"So are we going to crash a party or what?" Toad asked anxiously.

"How can you be so sure there are parties to crash?" Wanda asked.

"Wanda, in Hollywood, there are no people at 9:00 to 11:00 p.m. that _aren't_ in a club. Even rock bands, and they're like, a separate species than humans."

"What's the scientific name for any rockers?"

"Dunno. Something scientific."

"Let's CRAAAASH!" Blob rolled down the hill Lance's Jeep was parked on, and actually crashed the party… through the fence… through one very surprised and angry bouncer… through the front doors… and running down George Clooney, whose titanic ego slammed him to an abrupt halt. Blob casually stood and pulled a fencepost out of his navel.

"C'mon!" Toad led the others through the large, Fred-shaped hole where a double-door used to be.

The celebrities in the room didn't seem in the least disturbed that George Clooney was flattened. In fact, there were scattered cries of, "We're free! We're free!" throughout the room.

Avalanche looked around, put on some sunglasses, and took them off. "Time to make fun of some celebrities!"

Wanda smiled evilly. "I'm game,"

Lance turned to actor Hugh Jackman. "Continue your happy dancing, fruitcake!"

"I will, stranger!" And he did.

Lance turned to actor Vin Diesel. "What was with 'The Pacifier'? That movie was crap!" In response to this, Diesel burst into tears and ran out of the room running like a little sissy girl.

Lance turned to Fall Out Boy leader and bassist Pete Wentz (who had his pet monkey on his shoulder). "Hey, Pete! Cute monkey! But which head is Simi and which head is Pete?"

"Haven't heard that one before…" he mumbled in response. The rest of the band pointed and laughed at his humiliation.

"Powned!" Lance laughed, turned around again and began to push random D-listers and C-listers (not pushing them out of the way, just pushing them).

Blob was chowing down at one end of the buffet table when William Shatner walked to the other end and put the last of the marshmallows on his ice cream at the make-your-own-sundae table. "I wanted those marshmallows," Blob growled. He hammered down on his side of the table, and the dozen trays of toppings, 5 vats of hot chocolate liquids, and several huge buckets of soft serve flew through the air and landed on the screaming Shatner. He was coated in gallons of vanilla frozen yogurt, and sprayed with lowfat hot fudge and chocolate hardshell, which hardened on his face and blocked the flow of air to his lungs. Every celebrity in the room still standing laughed at Shatner's tortured physical condition.

Wanda looked at Kirsten Dunst. "Are you…Kirsten Dunst?"

"Yes, would you like-"

Wanda slapped her across the face. "YOU'RE MOVIES ARE CRAP, BITCH!"

"Acting…bad…but…onions…dip…DIIIP, ahhhh!" the actress grabbed a bowl of onion dip and dumped it on her head.

"That 70s Show" actor Topher Grace looked at her. "That wasn't bean dip…"

Wanda punched him in the stomach. "WHY'D YOU QUIT THAT SHOW?"

Lance strolled over to Wanda nonchalantly. "Looks like you and I have a very different way of humiliating people."

"Shut up, shut up! Shh! This is going to be hilarious!" Wanda grabbed Lance and ducked behind a sofa. "You know how all the celebrities in this room are carrying around an alcoholic drink? Well, alcohol can burn! Watch this!" Wanda used all the strength in her bad-luck powers to make all the wires in the ceiling burst out and fall down, still surging with power. Every alcoholic drink in the house was shocked, and so were the holders of the drinks.

Toad clapped his hands giddily. "That was so cool!"

Blob came out of the bathroom. "What happened here? Ebola?"

"That was awesome! You _fried _America's most talented!" Avalanche raved

Toad was jumping up and down. "Do it again!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How many more phases?" X23 asked hopefully from the colorful box she was trapped inside.

"Not many more," Roberto said casually, shoving swords into the steel box with his strength. "I think this might be the last one where you'll need your powers."

"Need my powers? You _are _going to miss me on purpose every time, right?"

"Didn't he warn you?" Jubilee asked. "Roberto has no talent, no training, and no idea what he's doing."

"Where's the thingy that pumps blood?" Roberto asked, looking at the box, trying to figure out where to put the next sword.

"In the very bottom left corner. Trust me." X23 said hopefully. Then she looked over at Magma. "Did you all have to do these phases?"

"No, we all came at the same time. But Ray came 0.3 seconds later, so he did. And he also got an extra phase that you didn't."

"Yeah, I have 'your name' tattooed on my ass." Ray confirmed. He turned to Amara. "Hey…why'd I get the extra phase?"

"Because you're ugly." Roberto was trying to shove in another sword blindfolded.

"I know…you're always telling me things like that…" Ray looked depressed (again). But then his shot up. "Hey, if Bobby is gone, who's the next leader of the New Mutants?"

"Uh…" Amara scanned the teenage mutants. She stopped when she saw Cannonball. "Sam! You're the new Bobby!"

"Yippee! Is my code name Iceman now?"

"No, but we're going to stop calling you Sam and start calling by your _real _name: New Bobby!"

"Well…can my codename stay Cannonball? I mean, I don't mind not being called Sam, but-"

"Who is this _Sam _you speak of?" Amara interrupted. "Moving on! How's it going, X23?"

"I think I need a new pancreas!" she responded.

"So _that's _what that was. Can I have a sandwich?" Roberto asked Amara.

"No sandwich until you finish what you started."

Roberto made a face. "But Amaaaraaa, I'm huuuungryyyy!" he whined.

"No sandwich!"

"I want sandwich!" Roberto jumped down on his stomach, started crying, and pounding the ground with his fists and feet (he was powered up, so he was making growing dents in the earth).

Ray sat on the ground with his arms limply by his side, his eyes blank. "Someone replaced my white anti-depression pills with white Tic-Tacs, and thought that was funny. Now I have minty fresh loneliness."

Jamie pointed at Ray. "The freshmaker!"

Amara tried to restore order. "Hey X23, you had an organ pierced, and that means it's time for the next phase! New Bobby, what's on the agenda for Phase 77?"

Cannonball read from a list. "Aw, man. This one is easy, and we all participate."

"Well, what is it?" Tabitha asked, dropping a small explosive in a hole where a sword had been.

"KAREOKE!"

"Oh, no," Wolfsbane said.

"Stop saying words," New Bobby ordered her. Rahne just nodded.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Did I spell that right? Kareoke? Whatever. I know, you're probably wondering about Magneto and the Acolytes and the Morlocks, but I'll take care of all of them eventually, don't worry.**

**Hmm...what should I make Avalanche steal? Maybe a person of sorts, or something.**

**And by the way, yes, Pete Wentz does indeed have a monkey. I'm not entirely sure if that's it's name, though...**


	25. Yup, This A Chapter Alright!

**GUEEEEEESS WHAT? Pietro Maximoff is going to do my author's commentary! Wish him luck!**

**Pietro: "The disclaimer is: she doesn't own X-Men Evolution or the Brotherhood, duh! Jeez, I had to say that? You know what? You're slow! I'm leaving!" -looks at himself in a mirror-**

* * *

"I want to do Karaoke!" Scott said. He and the other X-Men had just gotten word about the Karaoke. 

New Bobby had a clipboard that was for writing what the contestants would want to sing. "Okay, what do you want to sing?"

"'I Feel Like A Woman' by Shania Twain!"

Berzerker, Beast The Laughing Boy, and Old Bobby laughed at this.

Scott blinked. "What's so funny?" He shoved a finger up his nose. "Is there some unidentified object in my nose _again_?"

Kitty smiled and clapped her hands. "I want to do 'Girls Just Want To Have Fun'!"

"I vant to do 'Dance, Dance' by Fall Out Boy!" Kurtcrawler declared.

"You can't do them! You're all German n' stuff!" Kitty giggled.

"I can too sound like Fall Out Boy's lead singer! All I have to do is sing while holding my tongue in my fingers."

"Moving on!" New Bobby said. "What about you, Wolverine?"

Wolverine had gotten drunk again. "Uhn…I'll judge…or somethin'…"

"Fine!"

"I want to judge, too!" Beast The Determined To Judge And Not Sing stated.

"Fine, whatever! We have to move on! What about you, Ray?" Cannonball was getting visibly frustrated in his role of New Bobby.

"Do I haaaave to siiiinnng?" Ray whined.

"Don't make me get the cattle prod!"

"Fine! I'll sing…some song about me! Something about either electricity or manic depression."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Pizza is good for the soul!" Colossus grabbed the pizza boxes away from Magneto.

"What the HELL are you doing here!" Gambit was so shocked he forgot his accent.

"I realized that my last Costco spree left the Acolyte budget at negative five dollars and fifty-three cents… and I can't find anymore Nazi gold to make off with! I needed to get a job, so I decided to work for the local evil-mutant specializing pizza delivery service! Isn't that whack?" Magneto threw his hands in the air. But then his smile faded into a frown. "I _love _pizza parties! WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME?" A chain-link fence nearby contorted into the shape of an angry face.

"I…thought you were busy, _mon ami_!" Gambit had found his accent under the carpet.

"What would I be busy with?"

Pyro answered for Gambit. "Evil stuff, _moon and me_!"

"What he said. You can stay and have some of our pizza, if you want…"

"I DON'T WANT TO SHARE! SHARING IS FOR BALD, WHEELCHAIR-BOUND SQUARES!" Magneto shouted.

"You can have a whole one of ours," Gambit looked around. Pyro was already half-way through eating his pizza, and was complaining with his mouth full that the pizza was not nearly well-done enough. When he locked eyes with Colossus, Colossus hugged his pizza to his chest. When his gaze reached Mystique, she said "If I have to give up this pizza, you're giving up your trachea." Sabretooth was nowhere to be found.

"You can have my pizza," Gambit shoved his pizza towards Magneto.

"Hell no!" Magneto swatted the pizza away.

"WHAT? You said you wanted your own pizza!"

"No, I said I didn't want to share! I barely want to share Wanda with her twin brother! Besides, your pizza is Hawaiian! I don't eat Hawaiian pizzas ever since I was banned from Hawaii for life!"

"But you love pizza parties! Don't want pizza?" Gambit was confused.

Magneto contorted his face into a look of disgust. "I said I loved pizza _parties_, correct! I _hate _pizza!" Magneto walked away. "Just because you insist on being so difficult, Gambit, I'm cutting your pay back to five euro," he called over his shoulder.

"Five euro per what? Hour?"

"I dunno, I'll think of something. Don't forget to lock your doors before going to bed." He forced the door shut in Gambit's face and locked it from 30 feet away.

"Where's Sabretooth? Is it time for him to fight Wolvie again already?"

"He took his large D-lister pizza and left out the back door." Mystique replied.

"There is no back door!" Gambit exclaimed.

"I helped him make one, staffman." Pyro said, grinning from ear to ear and sporting a small burn where his left eyebrow used to be.

* * *

**Next chapter I'm going to have Ray do my author's notes and disclaimer! Yes, yes, oh yay.**


	26. Karaoke Overload

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. So come on down to Mr. Meaty's! -song plays-**

**Okay, just letting you know, avatarjk137 wrote almost all of this chapter. Basically, there were only a couple of things I did. I only writed to when the bitch-off is about to start to the ened of the chapter, and the other thign is that Pepsi Omni was my idea.**

**That means that if you think that the karaoke thing was dragged out or anythign like that, don't tell _me_, because I'm just an innocent pawn in that.**

* * *

"Alright, everybody!" Beast The Generous Judge announced. "Let's get this karaoke contest underway! After each performance, each judge rates you out of 10! The top placers get prizes, the lowest-place entry gets a shotgun blast to the chest! X23 must score in the Top 5 to proceed to New Mutant Status, and she goes last!"

"We know the rules!" New Bobby yelled. "Let's get this show on the road!"

"Okay!" Beast, Eager To Start agreed. "Our first contestant! Ray 'Berzerker' Crisp!'

Ray nervously took the stage, and sang. "Danger, danger, high voltage, when we touch, when we kiss!" He was surprisingly good at emulating the actual song. When he finished, he fell to his knees, and he and the microphone were both sparking and smoking. "How'd I do?"

"That was great! I expected the song, but you pulled it off surprisingly well. I give it an 8.5!" Beast, This Parody's Version Of Paula Abdul enthused. Torpid, the third surprise judge, waved her hand in a 'meh, it was alright' gesture. She wrote 6.5 on a whiteboard and showed it.

Logan got angry. "That was crap, but I'm sure most of the others'll be crappier. I give you a 4, and be thankful for that!" Ray ran offstage with tears in his eyes, stung by Wolverine's painful words. "Wimp," Logan added. Torpid nodded.

Wanda walked onstage. "Aren't you in, like, Hollywood, or another of Yellowfur's fanfics right now?" X23 asked, hacking at the curtains for no real reason.

"It's all explained in the author's comments," Wanda replied as she began to sing 'Call Me When You're Sober' by Evanescence. She was even better than Ray, and she followed the music video's cues. When Wanda began levitating late in the song, four Jamies walked onstage in black wigs and danced along with the song, even being levitated to Wanda's powers. In the end, she even leaned down into Wolverine's face like in the video. Logan fell out of his chair, incompatible with the emotional rush this caused.

"That…was perfect. 10 out of 10!" exclaimed Beast, Who Always Judges First. Torpid hadn't seen the video (sewers don't get VH1), and gave it a 7, showing a thumb-diagonally up. Wolverine grabbed his drink, which had an advertisement for Monster: Khaos, and gave a rating of 7.5, trying and failing to form complete sentences.

Kurtcrawler came up onstage next, and indeed did sound about as coherent as Fall Out Boy when he sang 'Sugar We're Goin Down'. Unfortunately, his voice still wasn't anything special, and he got an 8, 6, and 3, respectively (Wolverine had by now recovered). As he teleported offstage, Gambit came on next. _I'd better take off my accent first,_ he thought, and removed his trench coat and the mask-type thingy that borders his face. "'Cause I'm TNT, I'm Dyno-mite!" Boom-boom couldn't help herself, and backflipped on stage to complete the song in a duet, as Rogue looked on jealously. "I'm TNT!" Gambit continued.

"And I'll win the fight!" Tabitha added enthusiastically.

"TNT!"

"With the power load!"

"TNT!"

"WATCH ME EXPLOOODE!"

They were actually quite good, and Gambit got a 9, 7, and 5 (Logan liked the violent music). Boom-boom wasn't quite as good, and got 8, 6, and 4.5. Torpid gave them a freakishly-large thumbs up.

Cyclops slid onstage in his underwear, socks, and ruby shades next and did a horrible rendition of 'Old Time Rock and Roll' by Bob Seiger. Jean was lost in bliss seeing Scott singing in his underwear; everyone else was lost in hell _hearing_ Scott singing in his underwear. He got 4, 2.5, and 0, giant thumbs down from Torpid, breaking the table and spilling Torpid's Pepsi Omni (the new Pepsi flavored with cherry, blueberry, raspberry, vanilla, chocolate, caramel, butterscotch, marshmallow, lime, lemon, orange, peach, apple, black cherry, cream, coffee, sugar, fake sugar, tea, strawberry, melon, candy corn, grape, peppermint, cinnamon-nutmeg-ginger, spearmint, wintergreen, beer, grapefruit, and even a little cola flavoring). The Pepsi Omni ate through the floor beneath the judge's table.

"Can we just give Cyke the shotgun blast and call it a day?" Logan asked hopefully.

Roberto walked onstage next, and performed 'Mas Que Nada' by Sergio Mendez. He was almost as bad as Scott. _Almost_. He scored 5.5, 3, and 0.5, (Torpid made a gagging gesture), and walked offstage with tears forming in his eyes. Next, Bobby, New Bobby, Kitty, Avalanche, Magma, and Jean all performed 'School of Rock' (from the movie) together, complete with instruments. They scored well, earning 9, 8, and 6. Torpid was clapping so hard, she wore through her gloves, and zapped herself as her bare hands touched each other.

Professor X took over as the 'Randy' judge for Torpid, and they were ready to continue. Pyro had a decent rendition of "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley, and scored an 8, 6, and 5.

Magneto wanted to be on, and he had been searching for a female partner for "Dare" by Gorillaz since Wanda's performance. He finally found somebody who would go on with him: Callisto had been itching to go on, but couldn't decide on a song. Magneto was better than expected, but Callisto had the wrong voice for Gorillaz, and dragged Magneto down, for a score of 7, 5, and 3.5. "That's hardly fair!" Magneto protested. "Gambit and Boom-boom were scored separately!"

"Tabitha backflipped onstage mid-song," Beast The Thirsty replied, enjoying his Drink™ by Generic®.

"I suppose beggars can't be choosers," Magnus grumbled.

"X23 is the only remaining contestant," Wolverine yelled, "so here are the scores so far:

Ray: 19

Wanda: 24.5

Kurt: 17

Remy: 21, Tabitha: 18.5

Scott: 6.5

Roberto: 9

The School: 23

Pyro: 19

Magneto/Callisto: 15.5

"I hope immortality is an undiscovered power of yours, Scott," Wolverine concluded.

"My glee at entering a karaoke contest is fading," Cyclops responded nervously.

"My turn!" X23 roared. She grabbed an electric guitar. "This is my favorite song." She then proceeded to set the music to 'Drowning Pool'. "Let the bodies hit the……… **_FLOOR!_**" She began playing guitar with insane skill, and her singing wasn't half-bad, either. At one point in the song she lost all sense of herself and jumped into the crowd, slashing the hell out of Sabretooth. She then regained her composure and finished the song, staining the guitar with Sabretooth's blood on her fingers.

"You're raising her well!" Sabretooth yelled to Wolverine, clearly enjoying the grievous wounds.

X23 finished. "How'd I do?"

"Excellent," Beast, Visibly Impressed said. "9.5!"

"You're performance was flawless, but you almost killed Sabretooth. I give you a 6," Xavier judged.

"And what's wrong with slicing and dicing Sabretooth?" Logan asked angrily. "I'd give her a 10, but it would look like I'm giving my family a bonus, so I'm giving her a nine." He finished his Monster, then looked inside the can. "This would be better with beer."

"This means X23 and Wanda are tied!" Beast, Who Did The Math gulped.

"You know what this means!" Wolverine grinned. "Bitch-off!"

Scarlet Witch and X23 both grabbed microphones and each chose a second song to for the other to sing. If one wasn't clearly better with this song, the judges would choose a tiebreaker song to decide.

Wanda chose her song. "Bring Me To Life', also by Evanescence."

X23 made her choice, as well. "I choose this song by Avril Lavigne! It's called-"

"NO! You can't play Avril Lavigne for an angry bitch-off; that's cheating!" Wanda interrupted.

"Fine then!" X23 threw her microphone. "I've had enough of these retarded phases! I've had enough karaoke!" She turned around and faced Cannonball. "New Bobby! Give me a substitute phase!"

"Sorry, but the phases list is already made. You can't just go changing phases when-"

"CHANGE THE PHASE!" X23's claws came out instinctively with her mood.

New Bobby jumped back in fear. "Fine, fine! I'll change the phase!"

"No! Don't!" Magma came running out in front of X23 and Cannonball. "Don't let her threaten you like that, New Bobby! Remain strong! Or I'll light your hair on fire when you sleep!"

Cannonball seemed feared by this, too. X23 waved her claws threateningly, stepping closer to Cannonball. Magma ignited her hands and glared at him. "Uh…" Due to all the fear within him being brought up at once, Cannonball's brain went into shock. But instead of seizing, he just foolishly decided to pick one of the girls to obey instead of doing the smarter decision: running away. "Fine! I'll change the last phase!" He obeyed X23's orders.

X23's claws went back in with a "shink" noise similar to Wolverine's. She smiled and clapped. "Yay! Thank you, New Bobby!" She hugged him.

Magma smiled evilly and disintegrated the fire on her hands. "Okay then. You'll regret it."

"What's the last phase, then?" Ray asked.

"I don't know, I'll think of something."

Ray looked blank. "I feel like a busy bee in the hive."

* * *

**Yeah, I had to take a stab at Fall Out Boy way up there. That joke was my idea, too. Hey, I love them, but sometimes, you just have to make fun of and insult those you love. **

**And I don't know what I mean by that last line. At all.**

**Byebye.**


	27. Nails For Breakfast

Pietro zipped into the X-kitchen. "Lance! Make COFFFE!"

"Make it yourself," Lance responded as he sat down at the table with his favorite cereal, Pepsi-O's (turn your milk into cola through disturbing fizzy chemical reactions!).

"But Laaaaaannnnccccce! I don't know hoooowwww!" Pietro whined, running over to Lance, collapsing on the floor and grabbing Lance's left leg.

"What do you mean you don't how? You put coffee inside the holder, put the holder in the machine, and put the coffee pot under where the coffee drips out. It's simple!"

"But you always make coffee!"

"On Saturdays I'm allergic to coffee. Every other day of the week it's tangelos." Lance ignored Pietro's pulling on his pants leg and opened up the newspaper.

"But coffee lets me do stupid things faster with more energy!" Pietro whined, talking fast. "And _nobody_ knows coffee like **_I_** know coffee!

"Then have someone else make it!"

"Nobody else is up yet! Except Ray, and he doesn't count!"

"That's what my mom tells me." Ray flopped face-down into his bagel with maple syrup.

"Then if you won't make it yourself, I don't know what to tell you!"

"I WANT COFFEE bleblebluhbledabluhbeduhlbleh!"

"FINE, fine!" Lance got up and walked over to the coffee maker, dragging the still-clung Pietro on his leg.

"HEY! What's with all of the noise?! I can't sleep!" Wanda stomped in the well-decorated kitchen, wearing a light pink floral silk nightgown, lined with floral-and-heart patterned lace and black-and-red bunny slippers with fangs. She turned and realized Pietro was a source of the noise and hexed him into the dishwasher. Pietro screamed like a little girl.

Wanda ignored this and picked up the comics. "Hee hee, Dilbert is funny!"

"Hey, I wasn't done!" Lance grabbed the comics away from her while the coffee was brewing.

Wanda glared at him. "You're on my _list, _Lance! No one EVER has a happy time on the 'list'!" She smiled evilly.

"I have a feeling I'll be getting a visit from the police chief again, then?" Lance did not look troubled. After all, Wanda often threatened people with vendettas, death, pain, and the bubonic plague.

"Ray, I'll have my eggs scrambled." Amara strolled in next and sat down at the table in the kitchen and folded her hands, smiling politely.

Ray looked up at her. He was already eating his bagel. "Uh…I'm not making-"

"I SAID I'll have my eggs scrambled, Ray." Amara's smile turned slightly evil.

"…'Kay." Ray got up and started cracking eggs into a pan. While he was up, he mumbled "You're such whiner bitch," to himself. After he got up, Kurt teleported into his seat and ate his bagel.

"I'm sorry Ray, what?" Amara smiled sweetly at him and the tips of her fuzzy pink bathrobe began to ignite.

"I said we're going into D-minor."

"That's what I thought."

Wanda took a seat between Amara and Cyclops, who was trying to figure out how to peel his grapefruit, poking it with a spoon.

"Hey, you're making eggs for everybody, Ray?" Bobby walked in and looked happy.

"What?! NO! I-"

"I'll take mine over easy!"  
Professor X wheeled in. "I would like a tomato omelet, Ray."

Beast, He Who Prefers His Bacon Crisp walked in after him. "I'll just have scrambled."

"Make mine a three-egg three-meat omelet, lightning boy!" Wanda ordered.

Ray mumbled more under his breath. "That's a retarded nightgown."

"Pardon?"

"I said I'm two quarters and a heart down!"

"Ray, you mumble so much, you must be an idiot!" Amara laughed.

"That made no sense, Amara," Lance stated.

"And you're a frigid bitch." Ray said quietly.

"WHAT?" Amara shouted in anger.

"I said I want a peach and lime daiquiri!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yeah, you're right, I didn't."

* * *

**You may be asking, "If no one knows coffee like Pietro does, why can't he make it?" Well peoples, the answer is that Pietro didn't specify _how _exactly he knew coffee. You may also ask, "If Pietro wasn't there at the start of Who Wants To Stay Sane, how come he's there now? The fanfic isn't over yet!" Good point. _But I don't care._**

**As for Ray's lines for "what he said", mad props to Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco. I love them.**

**Review. DO IT. Is it that hard, really?**


	28. Tacks For Snacks

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. RRNEAH!**

**More celebrity bashing. Sorry.**

**Chapter in yo' face.

* * *

**

Magneto redialed the number he had already dialed at least five times. "Dammit! My idiot son won't pick up the phone! I can't believe he doesn't even realize it's ringing!"

The Acolytes were standing around or sitting in the same room as he was. Gambit looked over at Magneto. "You know, I think he would realize it by now, but you can see the number that's calling before you answer it…"

"What are you…oh DAMN! I'm cutting his allowance _so_ down!" Magneto crunched the mostly metal phone into a marble-sized ball before tossing it over his shoulder.

"You don't give him an allowance!" Colossus pointed out.

"Right! Now each week he owes me five dollars!"

"Try calling the house number," Gambit suggested.

"Ew. Why?" Magneto contorted his face into a look of disgust.

"Yeah! They all suck! And they're nerdy!" Pyro said, laughing as he was igniting strands of Sabretooth's hair, who hadn't noticed yet.

"Got that right, girlfriend!" Sabretooth said flamboyantly. Then he realized his hair was on fire and ran into a wall.

"I'm so depressed… I'm going down to that depressing coffee shop to… I don't know, paint or something," Colossus bemoaned.

Magneto looked in the Evil Fridge (patent pending). "Bring back some more Villain Milk and Mutant Punch!"

"Whatever."

* * *

"I'm ready for my last phase!" X23 stood before the other New Mutants. "what are you going to do? You've already had me do karaoke, be Roberto's magic-practice meat puppet, and made me eat 100 hotdogs out of a toilet (**AN: see Der XParody Special Edition Nonexistent DVD!**) 

Cannonball smiled. "You have to go over to the Acolytes' place and ask for a cup of sugar, wearing something stupid!"

X23 shuddered at the thought. "What do I have to wear?"

Amara was grinning evilly from ear to ear. "We'll think of something!" The New Mutants huddled together loosely.

"She should wear three pairs of bras! On the outside!" Tabitha suggested, clapping her hands.

"No, she should be a slutburger with everything on it!" Jubilee said.

Ray looked at her in confusion. "She should dress up like Ashlee Simpson?"

"I like Jubilee's idea," was what read off of a sign Rahne was holding up. She had already gone past her limit of words she was allowed to say this season.

"I like Jubilee's idea too!" Roberto looked over at Boom-boom.

"You're looking at Boom-boom," New Bobby pointed out.

Roberto looked shocked. "Wait…if that's Boom-boom, then who's Jubilee?" Amara pointed at the real Jubilee in response. Roberto gasped in surprise. "I thought that was Ray!"

"How about she goes as Donald Trump?" Cannonball said.

"Oooh! I like that idea!" Magma exclaimed. "Let's take a vote! Aslee Simpson or Donald Trump? Okay, who wants Simpson?" Amara looked as Jubilee, Rahne, Roberto and Boom-boom all lifted their hands. Amara sighed. "I know if we asked Bobby, he would vote Trump, and that would be a tie if we got Ray's vote, but Ray sucks. SO I _guess _Simpson wins."

"HEY! I don't want to dress up as Ashlee Simpson!" X23 protested.

"Tough! New Bobby, go get the blond hair dye! Ray, go steal makeup form Jean's room! Tabitha, give us one of your super-slut dresses!" Amara ordered people around as she ignited one of her fingers, which made a sound like a blowtorch. "We have a makeover to do!"

* * *

**MUA HA HA. Ha. The person who guesses how I'm going to make fun of Simpson gets an imaginary seven layered wedding cake. And it doesn't taste imaginari-ly crappy like a lot of wedding cakes do. You'll NEVER guess it.**


	29. There Is No Sheep

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. There is no sheep.**

**Have you ever looked at your hand? I mean, _really _looked at your hand?

* * *

**

X23 looked in the mirror, disgusted at her Ashlee Simpson costume. "I admit I actually look like her…" X23 leaned forward slightly for a moment to see the makeup closer, identical to what the real version was pictured wearing in a star magazine, and her hair cut and dyed identically as well. "Adding the short black dress and falsies, I could pass off as her look-a-like… but were the inflatable guys _really _necessary?" X23 asked, exasperated.

"You have no idea!" Magma turned off her blowtorch finger (which was never actually used) and adjusted the inflatable men they had glued on to the disguised X23. "I think we did a good job with the Ryan Cabrera, Wilmer Valderrama, Braxton Olita, and Pete Wentz inflatables. Now go get our sugar!"

X23 stumbled on her high heels out the door and almost got the Ryan Cabrera inflatable's head ripped off in the hinges. She walked into the den, where Wolverine was sitting reading Tough Dudes Weekly. He looked up at the Simpson-ed X23 and did a double take. He jumped and unsheathed his claws. "Look, just go back to where you came from! I don't want any trouble now!"

"NO! No! Wolverine, it's me!" X23 showed him her own claws for proof. "I need you to drive me over to the Acolytes' place. You look like a bodyguard for a pop star or something."

"May I ask what the hell this is FOR?"

"No,"

"Fine! Be that way!" Wolverine led the way out the door and grabbed the car keys on the way out.

Gambit strolled nonchalantly over to the door, hoping with all his heart it was Rogue (or at least Mystique disguised as Rogue). He ignored Pyro, who was balancing a lit candle on his nose. Gambit saw X23 on the other side. "HOLY ROYAL FLUSH! It's that annoying plastic surgery girl from the magazines!" He was so shocked his accent transplant failed in a second.

"Huh?!" Pyro dropped the candle, spilling hot wax all over his face (he didn't care). He and Sabretooth stepped over to the door.

Magneto came in as well. "Well then Gambit, tell her to leave! We're not interested in buying any slut cookies!"

"OH YES WE ARE!" Sabretooth argued.

"Uh…" X23 adjusted her Wilmer inflatable. "I need to borrow some sugar. Preferably white…"

Sabretooth pointed to Wilmer The Inflatable. "He's not white, is he?"

"Um…yes he is?"

"Alrighty then. I'll have chocolate slut cookies, please."

"WHAT?! I said I need sugar! I'm not selling-"

Pyro interrupted by yanking Pete Wentz The Inflatable off of X23, the glue ripping her skin a bit. "YOU! I want to light your hair on fire and see what color it makes!"

"HEY! Give that back! It's mine!" X23 stepped inside and grabbed for the inflatable.

"No! You can have the others! You have a bunch!"

"But I like that one best! Its four feet tall and smells like cheap hair gel!" The two were playing tug-of-war, X23 yelling swears at Pyro.

"If he gets an inflatable, I want your panties!" Sabretooth was leering at her a little.

"EW!" X23, still tugging, kicked Sabretooth in the groin.

"I'll settle the inflatable battle!" Gambit stepped over the stretched out inflatable rocker. "His hair is better than mine!" Gambit touched the inflatable head, and it exploded within seconds.

"Pete! Noooo!" X23 grabbed the limp inflatable doll, which was losing all its air.

Pyro just stared at it. "Now I'll never know. I bet the fire would be purple, too…"

"SCREW THE SUGAR! SCREW THE PHASES!" X23 ripped off the wig, high heels, and falsies, popping the other inflatable men with her claws and taking them off. "You're all going down!"

Magneto was watching the entire scene with popcorn. "This will be fun!"

* * *

A half hour later, Colossus walked in. "I brought Villain Milk! It expires today, so drink up fast! There was a good deal on…" He paused and looked around at the completely trashed Acolyte base. "Whoa…uh…huh?"

X23 was walking past Colossus and out of the house, carrying an ash-covered bag of sugar. Colossus ignored this and surveyed the scene. Pyro was hanging from the ceiling upside down, his legs in the ceiling and he was giggling weakly. Sabretooth had a tightly wrapped popped Braxton Olita figure around his neck. Gambit had sunken into the floor, which had solidified around him. There were popped Ryan Cabrera and Wilmer Valderrama inflatables were crushed into the wall in a circle around where Magneto was standing.

Magneto finished off the rest of his popcorn. "Hey Colossus, we're out of sugar."

* * *

**By the way, in case you didn't know, all the inflatable guys were supposedly guys Simpson dated.**

**'Kay bye.**


	30. Pietro LiveWire!

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Is this the line for slapping Kevin Federline? There should be a line for that.**

**Sorry to keep you waiting on this chapter. Okay, while you read this, I'm going to go watch Breakfast Club or something.**

* * *

"Oh where, oh where has my little dog gone? Oh where, oh where could he beeee?" Ray absentmindedly sung out-of-tune as he was stuck making breakfast for everyone again. 

Bobby stepped in and looked over at Ray. "What, pancakes again Ray? Can't you cook anything else?"

"NO. I ruined the eggs the other day. They were getting radio signals. And it wasn't like a _lot _of pan came off onto them."

Scott was rubbing his eye in pain. "Hey, you know what, guys? Grapefruit juice does NOT feel good on the eyes!"

Jean made a bubble around his head to keep him quiet. "Ray, do you need someone to teach you to cook?"

Kitty jumped up enthusiastically. "I'll teach him to cook!"

Jean immediately put up the same bubble around Kitty. "Ray, I know someone who can teach you to cook."

"Uh…cool, whatever." Ray seemed uncaring.

"You can meet him after classes today. He'll teach you how to do things the right way in the kitchen!" Scott was trying to get her attention, as he couldn't breathe. "Scott, I need my space." She left the room, as Scott passed out. Kitty shrugged and walked thru her bubble, and began 'showing' Ray how to 'cook' 'pancakes'.

* * *

Ray looked as if he was in great dismay. "Awww….c'mon you can't _really _be my cooking teacher!" 

Pietro straightened out his tropical print apron, which had hot pink letters across it, spelling out "I'm Too Sexy for My Apron" on it. "Looks like I am, Static Cling. Now do you want to learn how to make something besides pancakes or not?"

"Not,"

"Oh well. Listen and listen goooood, grasshopper…" Pietro opened up a cookbook.

"First of all, I'm not a bug. I'm 'homo superior'," Ray nitpicked, counting on his fingers. "Second of all, I think it would be more grammatically correct to say 'listen well'. And third of all-"

"ESTUDIANTE BE QUIET!" Pietro slapped Ray across the face. "Now, let's do this pizza recipe. Combinetwocupsoffflourwithyeastandsaltinamixingbowland-"

Ray ignored Pietro and looked out the window. His friends were playing Hit Bobby Upside The Head With A Medicine Ball, which was Ray's favorite game. He longed to be outside. He continued staring, and he caught sight of something white and feathery…he turned back to Pietro who had a bowl of sauce in front of himself and was kneading some dough, with a little bit of flour on his nose.

"Andthenyouputitinaplasticontainerfortwentyfourhours. Am I going too fast for you?"

* * *

**Pietro should have his own cooking show. Screw Emeril Live, it's Pietro Livewire!**

**This week's episode of Der Xparody is brought to you by:**

**New Bobby: "Buy Candy Cane Maple Nougat Chocolate Frosted Cotton Candy Sprinkles!"**

**Amara: "The most unhealthy breakfast cereal in the world! It has eight types of sugar!"**

**Jamie: "You'll be bouncing off the walls with sugar-high!"**

**X23: "Hear what Jamie said, kids? Bouncing of the walls! That means it'll give you SUPERPOWERS!"**

**Ray: "I hope that's not too much of a spoiler."**

**Boom-Boom: "Anybody can be Pietro with new Candy Cane Maple Nougat Chocolate Frosted Cotton Candy Sprinkles!"**


	31. Halloweentenial

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution (and is not actually sponsored by Pepsi Jazz.) Now bravely accept the differences and move on.**

**Happy Halloween! But I bet you heard that already today.**

**WHOA! This is the 31st chapter! And it's Halloween themed! Whoa...I _just _realized that.**

**I bring you a special Halloween chapter of Der XParody!

* * *

**

Pietro began mixing flour and sugar with hyper speed. "Mixing, mixing, how I love my mixing." He stopped suddenly. "Okay, now we add the chocolate chips and any other accessories we want to put in. Ray, hand me the… where are the chocolate chips?" Pietro looked around the counter and Ray looked very bored. He was periodically zapping the toaster, making the slots go up and down repeatedly. "Oh, never mind, I'll go get some from the secret stash Lance has in his closet!" Pietro zipped away.

Ray looked at the batter. "This batter is boring…it needs something!" Ray fished around in the pantry until he came across some red onions, hot sauce, and vinegar. He looked confident. "This stuff should give it a bite!" Ray poured all the ingredients in the dough.

"I'm baaaack!" Pietro ran in with at least seven bags of chocolate chips. "You know, I would ask you to preheat the oven, but I think something else would work better…" Pietro dumped the batter on a cooking sheet. "Zap it!"

"Like with lightning?"

"No, like with rutabaga. YES with lightning!"

"The cookies will fry, though."

"So will your brain!" Pietro put his hands on his hips.

Ray looked up at Pietro. "I don't know what that means, but somehow I'm convinced!" Ray pointed his fists at the mass of dough and zapped with a bolt of lightning. The batter exploded all over the kitchen.

Pietro still stood in the same position with his hands planted on his hips and batter all over his front. "You added something other than chocolate chips in, didn't you?"

Scott walked in and stared at the batter on the ceiling. "Oooooooooooh, look what you diiiiiiiiiid! I'm telling!" Scott was about to run out, but he paused and licked a piece of batter that he pulled off the doorknob. "Yum! It tastes like dog food!" As he left, the toaster exploded, cooking the batter around it to perfection.

* * *

Jean sat Ray and Pietro down on the couch. "Now, you two, I am very disappointed about what you did. You showed great irresponsibility, and-"

"Please define what we did." Pietro interrupted her. He was simultaneously having a text message conversation on his cell phone.

"Well, you messed up the entire kitchen and wasted perfectly good materials."

Pietro lifted his cell phone to her eye level. "My dad says we didn't do anything, or you'll be swimming with the fishes."

"Actually, I think your cell phone is the one swimming with fishes!" Jean telekinetically threw the portable phone into the fish tank near the entrance door. The cell phone sank to the bottom.

Nightcrawler looked slightly angry as he rose himself out of the fish tank he was sitting in. "How _rude_!"

Pietro looked over at Nightcrawler. "Look, Jeanie. What with it being so close to Halloween time, I know that you're very busy with finding a costume sexy enough to make Scott's head implode. So how about Ray and I do you a favor and decorate the X-Mansion for Halloween, and you forget all about today?"

"The only way I could completely forget about today is with a lot of strawberry wine. But I guess if you did a good job I would see what I could do to exempt you from probation…"

"Consider it done!" Pietro shoved her into the next room and shut the door behind him. "Oh, Kuuuuuurrrrrt…guess who's going to be our main Halloween decoration?"

Kurt's eyes widened. "Please say Beast…"

* * *

Beast, On Candy Duty stood at the large mahogany door, ready for trick-or-treaters. When the doorbell rang, he opened the door happily.

Two little girls dressed as fairies held up their bags. "Trick-or-" They paused and looked at Beast, Wearing A Disco Dancer Costume. Beast The Cheerful But Still Scary smiled. The children shrieked, threw their candy bags at him and ran away.

Beast The Uncomfortable sighed. "Lost some more trick-or-treaters…" Beast unhappily shoved three pieces of unwrapped candy in his mouth.

He turned his head up at Kurt, who was tied to the ceiling porch light by fake spider webs. "Gah! Get me down from here! I want to get candy too! Wah!"

Beast The Chocolate Lover considered reminding Kurt that he had teleporting powers, but decided not to.

* * *

Bobby adjusted the plastic fangs in his mouth. He was an ordinary vampire, with a black cape, fancy white shirt, his hair dyed black and slicked back, and he had white makeup, fake teeth, and a line of blood dripping from the edge of his mouth.

Amara walked into the group, fashionably late for their trick-or-treat outing. "Wow, Bobby, your costume **sucks**!" Amara giggled. She was in a hobo costume, with dirty, ripped up clothes and a large, filled-to-the-brim shopping bag. She wanted to be a princess, but she already was one.

"Yeah, yeah, Jubes already said it." Bobby scowled. Jubilee giggled. She was dressed in a sanitation worker outfit.

Roberto laughed and did a little cha-cha dance in his matador costume. "I get it! **Sucks**!"

"New Bobby, how do you like the Larry The Cable Guy costume I made for you?" Amara turned to Sam, smiling proudly.

"I love it!" Cannonball straightened out the collar on his flannel shirt.

Jamie looked puzzled. "I don't get it…who's Larry The Cable Guy?"

Ray shook his head slowly. "Jamie, about your costume…"

"What? I think a costume depicting the essence of political correction is good!"

"It's _too _scary!" Ray wiggled the razors on his hands. He was dressed up as Edward Scissorhands, but the only part of the costume he had was the scissor hands. "Its costumes like that which have me waking up in the middle of the night screaming!"

"He's right. That's worse than my night terrors!" X23 was wearing a zombie version of her already torn apart Ashlee Simpson costume.

"Well, it's better than Bobby's. His is **sucky**." Jamie said, smiling.

Amara's smile grew wider. "I made Rahne's costume, too!" she stated, changing the subject. Rahne was dressed, ironically, in a cat costume.

"Mine's the best!" Tabitha struck a pose in her lingerie-small rodent costume.

Ray stared at her blankly. "It looks like a chinchilla and a white rat got into a fight in a drawer filled with Victoria's Secret underwear."

The others laughed. Tabitha smiled genuinely. "Really? Thanks!" She appeared to be happy taking it as a compliment.

The group reached its first house. The house left out a bowl of candy and a note pointlessly pleading, "Just Take One." The New Mutants decided to take pity on the poor household owners and just took two pieces each. When the others walked away, Ray dumped the candy out and took the bowl, then attempted to stuff it in his pillow case.

Bobby looked down and noticed the bowl in the stretched out pillowcase. "Ray…?"

Ray flinched and clutched the bowl to his chest. "The devil made me do it!"

"Calm down, Ray. You don't still don't **suck **as much as Bobby does!" Tabitha commented. The group laughed.

"That joke is really old, guys!" Bobby looked exasperated.

"That was **cold**, Bobby." X23 said in response. The New Mutants laughed again.

* * *

Back at the X-Mansion, Scott (who was dressed in graduation robes) ran to Professor Xavier's study. "Professor! We're out of candy!" The Professor was dressed as Stephen Hawking: he wasn't moving his arms or face, and he had a funny expression frozen on his face.

_What is it, Scott?_ Xavier asked mentally.

"We're already out of candy!"

_But I thought Beast was scaring most of the trick-or-treaters away? Anyway, we have to come up with an alternative._ He thought for a moment. _Scott, grab a baseball bat._

"This is a mean idea," Kurt complained.

"Step right up!" Kitty called, dressed as a puppy. "Whack him hard enough, and candy will come out! He _is _a piñata!"

"Why do I have to be the piñata?"

"Because, silly, you're already hanging upside-down out in front of the door!"

"I have a better idea!" Kurtcrawler teleported away, leaving an empty net. He returned a second later, putting a very confused Blob (who was dressed as Santa Claus) into the web. "Hit _this_ piñata, kids! It holds much more candy!"

"Huh? What?" Blob looked around.

Kitty looked at the three children stepping up to hit Blob. One was a little boy dressed as a devil, one was a little girl dressed as a witch, and the last was a little boy in a skeleton costume. "C'mon kiddies! Doesn't this look like fun?" Kitty handed the three evil looking children baseball bats as she laughed at Pietro, who was taking cell phone pictures of Blob's embarrassed state.

"Beat him with a stick!" The devil boy sang.

"Lock him up for ninety years!" The witch sang.

"See what makes him tick!" The skeleton-guised boy sang in response to the others.

"CHILDREN FROM HELLLLLLLL!" The jovially dressed Blob writhed in the nets, scared.

This was the last thing anyone got to say before a deafening cracking sound filled the room. Everyone looked up to see the source. The roof appeared to be giving way to Blob's weight, as large, wide cracks filled the ceiling. Suddenly, Blob and about 90 of the ceiling came crashing down upon the floor. The three little kids giggled and ran away before they could get peppered with roof. Jean telepathically caught every large piece of the ceiling that fell, exempting the chunk that fell on Scott. Everyone was covered in dust and pieces of ceiling anyway.

Pietro (costumed as a Mardi Gras jester) brushed off his cell phone. "Smooooooth, everybody." He turned to Lance (dressed as a groundhog), Toad (Easter Bunny), Wanda (Uncle Sam), and the collapsed Blob. When Blob began to rise, Pietro stepped closer to them. "So what do you guys want to do for the rest of the night?"

"Sacrifice something?" Wanda asked hopefully. She looked disappointed when the rest of the group shook their heads except for Toad.

"Let's go shoot those three little kids who came by earlier with a BB gun!" Lance suggested enthusiastically.

"Yay!" The four boys (Wanda not included) jumped in the air. Blob made the foundation shake, and Toad overjumped and landed in the fountain. He looked up, noticed the angel in the fountain had been costumed as a devil, and began laughing.

* * *

**That may be illegal, Lance. By the way, if you want to know what Jamie's costume looks like, think Mr. Rogers.**

**BTW, did anyone catch the tribute? If not, you're not special. (kidding, you may be very special for all I know)**

**This chapter of Der XParody is brought to you by: Pepsi Jazz!**

**Cyclops: But I hate jazz music! I don't get it.**

**Ray: Soda takes my bad memories away!**

**Amara: It's diet and sweet!**

**Pyro: I like the cherry flavor better. (-burns the strawberries flavor-)**

**Pietro: It's good and...hey! Wait! It's diet! No sugar! AAAAGHH!**


	32. AAH! SALESMAN!

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. All your base are belong to us.**

**Once again, sorry to keep you waiting.

* * *

**

Blob rubbed his hurting belly. "Ugh…I knew eating the entire pillowcase-full of Halloween candy wouldn't affect me…but eating the wrappers and the pillowcase was a bad idea!"  
"Here, take some of this," Lance tossed him a bottle of Pepto Bismol. Blob caught it, stared at it for a minute, and then shoved the whole thing (bottle, cap and all) down his throat and swallowed.

Lance's mouth dropped. "WHAT THE HELL, BLOB! Don't you know by now NOT to eat the containers?!"

Blob groaned some more. "But I hate those childproof caps…"

Pietro sat down with the newspaper. He took out all sections but the lifestyles section and ripped up the others like a paper shredder. "Aaahh…comics."

Lance picked up the shredded remains of the sports, local, and classified sections. He squinted, trying to piece together random scraps. "Sheryl Crow playing at Shaquille O' Neal ninety percent off claim services green market? That sounds like a really bad concert."

"Tell me about it!" Pietro read the comics. "Mary Worth is bad today!" In anger, Pietro spilled his coffee all over the comics.

Jean walked in, and looked around. "Where's the newspaper?"

"Underground," Pietro responded.

Jean shrugged. "I'll have Scott get it later."

The doorbell rang. "I'll get it! I want a victim!" Pietro raced over to the door.

"Um…hello!" A badly disguised Spyke was at the door. He had a black and white checked suit and a fake violet moustache. "Would you like to buy…some?"

"Some what?" Pietro asked.

"How should I know?"

"You're the salesman." Pietro rolled his eyes.

"Huh? Oh, right!" Spyke seemed to go into a mood swing and became happier and more enthusiastic. "Excuse me sir or madam, are you the head of this household?"

"As a matter of fact, I am!" Pietro straightened out his posture.

"Okay then! Would you like to buy some of this?" Spyke opened up a rather large suitcase. Inside were different items in plastic display cases, including a used toothbrush, a pair of headphones, a mini stapler, brass knuckles, and a small glass case with what claimed to contain (by the label) a sample of some live Solanum virus.

Pietro frowned upon the items. "This stuff sucks! Do you have a trench spike?"

"No, but I do have eleven other suitcases!" Spyke reached behind him and pulled out another suitcase. "Would you like a headless Dr. Octopus doll? Or perhaps a melon baller?"

"What was in the syringe again?"

"Some T-Virus."

"You said Solanum."

"T is short for Solanum."

"Solanum starts with an S…"

"Well, how about a muffin?" Spyke pulled out a blueberry muffin.

"_Muffin_!" Pietro blurted. He snatched the muffin, zipped inside, and slammed the door.

Spyke turned around. "Callisto, it didn't work. They didn't want to buy anything. And Pietro stole my muffin!" He looked near tears.

Callisto came out from under a bush with a twig in her hair. "Damn! I guess we're going to have to go back to the marzipan plan…" She looked at Spyke. "You ruined our only suit."

* * *

Magneto stepped into the poorly decorated den where his Acolytes were lounging. "ENTERTAIN ME!"  
"We don't have to do whack-an-Acolyte again, do we?" Gambit looked up. 

Pyro clapped his hands. "Let's play 'The Sims 2'!"

Colossus shook his head. "You always end up lighting neighborhoods on fire. Let's read some slash fanfiction!"

Gambit stuck out his tongue. "Forget it! Lietro makes me want to barf up my 'authentic' New Orleans food! Here's an idea: let's watch metal rust!"

"No!" Colossus protested. "Last time, Mastermind was beaten 'till unconscious for spraying instant-rust formula all over my chest!"

"We can't watch ice melt or paint dry either," Sabretooth complained. "We always make it a contest, and Pyro cheats at both of those!"

Pyro's face lit up. "LET'S DO LAUNDRY!"

"Oh yeah!" Sabretooth jumped up.

"Oh no…" Gambit covered his face.

"Let's make sure no one gets stuck in the laundry machine again, okay guys?" Magneto said.

* * *

**As for what kind of neighborhood Pyro lights on fire while playing the Sims 2 (real or in the Sims), I refuse to specify.

* * *

**

**This episode of Der Xparody is brought to you by: The Solanum virus!**

**Ray: Dial "V" for virus!**

**Bobby: Um…woo hoo! Wow, I really don't know how to advertise a virus…**

**X23: How about…if you want to keep your spleen, buy this product!**

**Amara: That works!**

**Professor X (from downstairs): Kids? Did I hear you say that was the Solanum virus? Guys? Hello? Guys, there better not be any walking dead up there!**


	33. The Heinous Spuds

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Prithee, forsooth.**

**Happy Thanksgiving, readers! I'm off to enjoy my two-day school week! HELL yeah!

* * *

**

The cherry bombs the Brotherhood had set off exploded rather loudly, sending pieces of the gazebo that had been holding them flying all across the yard. Bits of the roof went up so high they landed on the roof of the actual X-Mansion. The wooden floor probably dug into the cement underneath. Pieces of the lattice wall went flying towards students.

Pietro let out a joyful, slightly childish shout. A piece of wooden shrapnel went flying into Blob's belly. He lifted up his outstretched palm in the air, checking for rain. A few pieces went into the passing-by Jean's hair, and one flat piece hit Ray square in the forehead.

The other Brotherhood members clapped. Pietro was wearing a beret and glasses he had obviously borrowed from some random house member. Pietro thrust his fist forward. "This myth has been busted!"

"What are you doing?" X23 asked.

"Nothing!" Pietro gasped quickly, turning around in a panic. "Nothing at all! Nothing…heh…at all?" He yanked off the glasses and beret.

"Then why are you all panic!–y?"

"SHUT UP!" Pietro ran away. Blob followed slowly, lumbering. Toad grabbed and stuck onto Blob with his tongue. Lance stood still, staring off into the distance. Wanda went towards the X-Mansion.

Lance locked eyes with X23. "So what's up?" He looked nervous.

"Not much besides… your blowing up a gazebo and my being able to blackmail you for it."

"Illegal!" Lance stuck his finger up.

"Don't care."

"Cruel!"

"When has that ever stopped me?"

"Unusual!" Lance was losing steam.

"Makes it better!" X23 smiled.

Lance narrowed his eyes. "What do you want?"

"Let's see what you have."

Lance groaned and led the way up to his and Pietro's room, sighing and shuffling his feet. When they got there, X23 closely inspected the room, making sure not to get too close to Pietro's side of the bathroom (the less fumes inhaled, the better).

"Well…" X23 looked around. "Your furniture is all useless, old crap. I know for a fact you're all broke lazy asses."

"Thank you."

"Anytime." X23 turned her head to the closet. Lance gulped in sudden apprehension.

"What's in there?" The brown-haired girl asked, pointing to the closet.

"Ah…heh heh, you know…clothes?"

X23 broke in the closet (she kicked the door in) before Lance could do anything. She paused with her mouth wide open. "Lance… what's with all the CHOCOLATE CHIPS?!"

Lance looked at the floor. "It's a… strong desire, okay?"

X23 gasped as she stared at what must have been three dozen bags of different kinds of chocolate chips (dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate, peanut butter, mint chocolate, cinnamon, carob, Japan), in what must have been at least three-pound Ziplocs. They were all bunched together under a few hangers of clothes, mostly Pietro's.

"Well?" Lance asked, afraid of what he would hear.

X23's eyes were still wide. "The _spectacle_, Lance, the _spectacle!"

* * *

_

Kitty poked the seventy-five pound turkey. "Like, wow, like, professor!" This, like, turkey is like, seventy-five pounds, or, like, so!" She stared at it. "Is it, like, a, like, _mutant_ turkey?"

"Um…" Professor X looked at Beast The Thanks Giver, who quickly hid all the syringes he was holding in his furry, blue hands.

"So who made everything?" Kurtcrawler teleported onto the counter.

"I, like, made the mashed potatoes!" Kitty held out the bowl holding the "mashed potatoes" (the bowl was already starting to dissolve).

**The Mashed Potatoes were hard as rocks, sharp as nails! They glowed with their hideous color, highlighter-esque neon pink. Glistening with some unknown substance, they _dared, _nay, they _double-dared _anyone brave and unwise enough to try them! The professor could only watch in horror and dismay as they sprouted a third pair of eyes and six eyes blinked at him simultaneously. The creatures, formerly a starch food, were now not animal, not bacteria, not fungus, but some life form unknown to man or mutant! And lo, the evil Spuds- **Pietro tore a hole in the dimension and computer screen. "QUIT IT WITH THE POTATOES, YELLOWFUR!"

Yellowfur: Yes, woobie sir.

Pietro: Go obsess over something like you usually do.

Yellowfur: …………………………..'kay.

**Moving on!**

"Lance, Pietro, X23, and the rest of the New Mutants were kind enough to offer to take care of the turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce!" Professor said.

"Vat kind of stuffing, ja?" Kurt turned to Ray.

"It's a secret!" Ray waved a wooden spoon.

"Vat about the cranberry sauce?"

"It's homemade from a can!"

"I microwaved the vegetables." Wanda held out some soggy green beans.

"I set the table!" Scott ran in, clapping his hands proudly.

"Good job, Scott!" Jean gave him a pat on the back and went into the dining room to reset the table.

"Thanks, Mary!"

Jean stared at him. "My name is Jean."

"Yes, Mary."

"Would you like to say what you're giving thanks for, Professor?" Storm asked.

"Why yes, Ororo. I'd like to give thanks for family and friends, for this bountiful and unique dinner, and for the ideals of freedom, peace, and understanding that I've worked all my life for."

"I'd like to give thanks for ruby quartz, without which I'd fry everybody, and for my girlfriend Mary Sue," Scott said.

"My name is Jean Grey, Scott. Anyway, I'd like to give thanks for all the people who have become members of our family, and who help us to better the Earth."

Wolverine made a face. "I'd like to give thanks for… leather jackets. And cloning."

"Isn't that sweet?" Jean said. Everyone ignored her.

"I'd like to give thanks for the author, who gives us free lines on holidays!" Rahne said. Jubilee shouted, "Woohoo!"  
Berzerker thought for a moment. "I'd like to give thanks for anti-depressant medicines. And… jolt cola."

"Hey! That's my thing!" Pietro interrupted him. "Whatever! I'll give thanks for my screwed-up little family, coffee, sugar, and Red Bull!"

"I'll give thanks for my OWN island!" Magma said.

"I'd like to give thanks for gloves. And dark eyeshadow." Rogue put in.

"I'd like to give thanks for second chances." Lance eyed Kitty longingly.

"Shut up, Lance." Pietro said. "This is a parody!"

"Like, really." Kitty added. "I'd like, like to give thanks for, like, malls!"

"What about you, X23?" Storm said. All eyes were suddenly on X23. She looked from the turkey to the "potatoes", to Wolverine, to the New Mutants, to the professor. "Um…I'd like to give thanks for the fact that I'm allergic to potatoes."

**And the heinous spuds! They- **(-slapped-)

Blob held up his plate, licked clean. His face had sweet potato casserole all over it. "I'd _like _to give thanks for seconds!"

* * *

**Ouch. Robin! The Neosporin! Fast as lightning! Ugh...Robin...HELP! Uhuhuh!**

**This chapter of Der XParody is brought to you by: Jones Holiday Sodas!**

**Pietro: I like ANY kind of sodas!**

**Gambit: HEY! The Acolytes weren't in this chapter!**

**Bobby: Comes in Dinner Roll flavor, Green Bean flavor,...**

**New Bobby: Antacid flavor, and more!**

**Callisto: Just call the number below for this once-in-a-lifetime offer! Hey... we weren't in this chapter either!**

**Rogue: 'Cause you freaks can't afford Thanksgiving!**

**Scott: Uh... huh? HUH?! Where am I? What are my lines! AAAHHH! Jean! Mary! JEAN! MARY! Help! The camera isn't my friend like they said it would be!**


	34. I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You!

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Yay, shrapnel!**

**Gasp! It's been so long since the last update! I am sorry.**

* * *

Pyro stared at the bag of popcorn in the microwave. **How he longed for it to be done, with all his heart, so that he could enjoy every scrumptious morsel to its fullest power! And woe the poor St. John, he is cursed with the wait to end all waits, as uncooked popcorn is not nearly as appetizing! He wanted, nay, he _needed _those kernels to finish their cooking!**

"Pyro, what are you doing besides listening to the author's crazy rants?" Colossus walked over to Pyro.

"DUH! I want popcorn!"

"It might help to turn the microwave on."

"…shut up, Colossus! You're just jealous because you couldn't think of making popcorn first!"

"You're right," Colossus walked away and over to the television. He clicked it on unenthusiastically and gazed at his favorite show, "I Wouldn't Eat That if I Were You!".

The host, Chuck Norris wearing a cowboy hat and a martial art suit, smiled broadly as he introduced the special guest players. "And today, our first contestants are a bunch of hideously disfigured mutants who claim to live in the sewers! Give a big welcome to the Morloooooooooocks!"

"Hello, _Chuck_. We are very happy to be here today and get some cash money. We can eat _anything_." Callisto smiled.

"OK!" Chuck pulled a karate pose. "First up, you have to spin the wheel of gross!"

Torpid obediently walked over and spun the wheel with her freakishly huge hands. Therefore, even though it was heavy, it spun at least a dozen times. It finally landed on 'Hurricane In A Tube'. Callisto stared. "When the wheel started spinning, that wasn't on it."

"TOO BAD! Your small big-handed girl will have to eat a packaged hurricane." A silver platter containing an opaque tube labeled 'danger' was carried out by Celebrity Guest Waiter Ryan Dunn. He handed her the tube. She looked away and opened the tube's lid. WHAM! A surprising amount of wind, rain, and tree branches exploded from the tube swirled around Torpid, flung her into a wall, and shoved itself down her throat. Torpid weakly stood and burped, then collapsed to the ground unconscious.

"I need to get Magneto one of those for Christmas." Colossus said to himself.

* * *

**It's short, and I'm sorry. I'll update very soon, I promise.**

**This episode of Der XParody is brought to you by: Oscar Mayer!**

**Pietro: (-in song-) How I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner!**

**Lance: That is what I'd truly like to be-ee-ee!**

**Todd: 'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer weiner!...**

**Wanda: If you think if I'm singing, you've-**

**Blob: (-interrupts-) EVERYONE WOULD BE IN LOVE WITH MEEEE!**


	35. Nobody Puts Fanfic in the Corner

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. This ain't a scene, it's an arms race.**

**So here we are, in chapter thirty-five, and... wow, we're up to chapter thirty-five!**

* * *

Pietro sighed while shaking his head, exasperated. "Ray, you obviously suck at cooking." 

"If I obviously suck, why'd you say it?" Ray asked.

"The more dialogue, the more I'm paid. Now, I realize that we need to start with the very basics, because you're so sucky. First off, the microwave is _not _a toy."

"Says who?" Ray looked over at the microwave. It had a crack in the door, and melted plastic figurines were stuck in and around the microwave.

"Says Pietro!" Kurt said happily. He was watching the whole scene, sitting atop the refrigerator. Kurt rolled his eyes. "The trouble with you is, Ray, you have no _fahrvergnügen_."

Pietro and Ray both stared at Nightcrawler. "What the hell does that mean?" Pietro asked.

In response to this, Kurt's face went blank for a split second before he teleported away to avoid answering.

* * *

"Where'd you get that cake?" Sabretooth asked Pyro. 

"I found it outside on the cement. You can't have any. It's mine. Go away! NO! You can't have any! Stop! Get lost! Go away! Snooze, you lose! No way! I don't need you! What cake? Shut up!" Pyro formed a shield around the messy, dirty slice with his body.

"I'm not going to take your cake! Besides, I don't like… germ flavor." A knock at the door interrupted Sabretooth before he could talk anymore. Colossus answered it.

"Hello, I'm taaaking a sssurvey." Caliban hissed at the door. He wearing a cheap black-and-white checkered suit with brown stains on it.

"I'm not interested in…" Piotr blinked. "…questions. So if you would be so kind as to-"

"Firssst question!" Caliban interrupted. "Do you have a lot of money?"

"No. Magneto's a tightwad. He's so tight, that I bet if you-"

"Sssecond question! Since you have a lot of money, where do you plan on spending it?"

"What? No! I said I _don't_ have a lot of money. But If I did, I'd-"

"Third question. Instead of spending it on that particular casino, why don't you give it to your favorite charity?" Caliban was reading this off of note cards.

"_I said I don't have a lot of money!_" Piotr yelled. "But… that's a good idea. What are you-"

"Damn the man, sssave the empire!" Caliban interrupted again. "You have to-… oh…wait…wrong notecard. Sorry. Alrighty thennn. Instead of donating it to your current favorite charity, why don't you give it to the Morlocks? We're in desperate need of… paymentssss."

"Payments? What an odd way of putting it… but hang on, let me get my wallet." Piotr reached in his pocket.

"Thank you for your time." Caliban turned around and left a puzzled Piotr in the doorway. Caliban took a sudden turn behind a large hedge, where he met up with Callisto, Spyke, and Torpid.

"CALIBAN! What did you do?! You had him hook, line, and sinker!" Callisto threw her arms up in anger.

Caliban said nothing in response. He looked confused.

"You didn't wait to take the money!" Callisto explained loudly, frustrated.

"Oops."

"But I don't like hooks!" Spyke sounded worried.

Callisto growled and starting banging her head on the ground. "I'm completely surrounded by idiots, except one person who can't talk!" Callisto started crying.

"At leeaassst you still have your beauty." Caliban said.

"No I don't! I lost it all from just living near Lucid!"

* * *

"Who was that at the door, Piotr?" Gambit asked as he played Solitaire with Magneto. 

"Some pale guy who wanted my money, but then he didn't."

"Oh, how odd. At least it wasn't a trained attack celebrity this time," Magneto commented.

"The MEMORIES!" Gambit curled up into a ball.

"I win…" Magneto said.

* * *

**This chapter is brought to you by Fall Out Boy's new CD, Infinity on High!**

**Bobby: Out on February 7th!**

**X23: Honk if you love tattoos and weird song titles!**

**Ray: Honk honk!**

**Cyclops: What's a Fall Out Boy? The kid Leech?**

**Pietro: I don't know. I don't really like these guys. That bassist's hair is almost as good as mine! Hell!**

**Blob: I remember recently accidentally tossing the guitarist while in New York City...**


	36. Poor Substitute for a Holiday Chapterrr!

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. If you fall in a bottomless pit, you die of starvation.**

**I am extremely sorry for the delay, and I'm even sorrier that this chapter is short.**

**I put together the first lines in hope of a Christmas chapter, then I lost track of time. A lot. SO, this isn't really a Christmas chapter, but rather has mentions of the holidays.**

* * *

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Lance threw confetti in the air. 

"Merry Christmas!" Kitty followed.

"Merry Christmas!" Jean shouted. Scott was having trouble opening a candy cane wrapper.

"_Merry Christmas_!" The professor telepathically shouted the message to everyone.

"Merry Christmas!" Bobby yelled, taking a break from helping Storm make it snow outside.

"Happy Hanukkah!" Pietro sped into the room. Everyone stared at him.

After an awkward moment of silence, Beast the Jolly shouted, "Merry Christmas!"

"I'm Jewish too!" Kitty said to Pietro. He was happy for a minute until she turned around and continued wishing people a Merry Christmas.

"Happy winter!" X23, the lone atheist said. Everyone ignored her.

Pietro was tired of the scene and again sped out of the room. He continued his fast path down the hall and into the bathroom. "I'm so calling my dad! This place sucks!"

After a few rings, Magneto answered. "Ugh, Pietro, what do you want? Allowance day was three months ago."

"I want out of here! How much time are you going to have us waste on this stupid misson?"

There was an awkward pause. "…mission?"

"YES. Mission. Remember?"

"…no."

Pietro was worried now. "DAD! You were going to have us pose as X-Men so we could find out more about their weaknesses and-"

"Pietro, if I wanted to hear stupid nonsense, I would listen to Pyro after he drank expired milk. Goodbye." Magneto hung up, leaving a very shocked Pietro.

Pietro sat in silence for a few seconds. Then he got so angry that he went into a whirlwind, right there in the bathroom.

It was a whirlwind of silver lined CHAOS in the bathroom. Soaps were thrown against the window. The cabinet doors were unhinged and tossed about. The branches of holly and mistletoe on different parts of the ceiling were grabbed, stomped, squished, torn apart, and mutilated.

At the end of it all, about ten minutes later, Pietro sat panting on the toilet seat. He had scribbled random hateful Japanese characters on the cracked mirror in a mixture of blood (not his) and mayonnaise. Pietro's cell phone rang, interrupting his murderous, rage-filled thoughts. He picked it up and heard Magneto on the other end.

"Oh, _that_ mission!" Magneto cheerfully said. "Yeah, how's that going for you?"

Pietro looked at the mobile phone. After a minute of staring pensively and his dad trying to re-communicate with him on the other end, Pietro blinked and swallowed the phone. He looked around. "Where've you gone to?"

Pietro walked out of the bathroom calmly. Sam walked in after him. When he looked up, he let out a shocked gasp. "What the…?!"

"Sorry. I got constipated." Pietro responded.

* * *

Logan stumbled around the field right outside the X-Mansion. He was giving the students another class, as usual for that time of day. It was very cold outside in the winter day. Well, Logan would have been giving a lesson, had he not been incredibly drunk at the moment. 

"You know Logan, most teachers get into a lot of legal trouble if they try to give a lesson while inebriated," Rahne mentioned.

"RAHNE! Too many words!" Bobby stuck out his palm, and Rahne slapped a twenty into it. "Honestly Rahne, try to follow the rules. You know that it's difficult to get money to Yellowfur."

**It'll cost Rahne a lot more than a twenty for that "inebriated".**

"You're supposed to be quiet! Silence!" Amara ordered.

**…Sorry.**

"Your lesshonnnn will be… uh… run into that tree!" Logan slurred.

"C'mon Logan! That's what you always have us do when you're hammered," Ray complained. "Think of something original!"

Logan's impaired brain gears attempted to move. They were still trying to comprehend what Ray had said in the first place. "UHN… fine… swimming!"

"It's twenty-five degrees!" Sam pointed out.

"WRESTLING!"

"I'll do that!" Roberto tackled Ray. The rest of the New Mutants went wild with fighting.

"Huhn… it's cold…" Logan plopped down on the ground as he took sips of his Tic-Tac flavored Schnapps

* * *

**Okay, I have to get working as to avoid a long delay again. That isn't fair to you. And it makes me a bitch. And again sorry for the delay, the shortness, and for making the Christmas part so small.**

**This chapter is brought to you by: I Wouldn't Eat That If I Were You!**

**Pietro: The brand new hit gameshow/fanfic sensation that's sweeping the nation!**

**Pyro: Like some sort of... freakish broom or something!**

**Wanda: What scares me is that Yellowfur actually _did_ make it into a fanfic.**

**Boom-boom: (-throws confetti-) And it works for her!**


	37. Jump the Shark

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution. Disclaimer is as disclaimer does.**

**WOW that update took me a while! I apoligize. **

* * *

"I'm so happy you all let me make dinner for the X-Mansion!" Pietro said to Jean, Scott, Kitty, and Kurt, who were watching Pietro cook when they came into kitchen. 

"Well, like, you should be, like, happy, like, that they, like, just, like, let you cook, like, on a day I was supposed to, like… cook. Like." Kitty brooded.

"Aww, don't be upset I cooked on your weekday, Kitty. Anything to avoid another round of stomach pumping."

"Like, what?"

"Nothing. Uh, look! A government-issued test!"

"I have no No.2 pencil!" Kurt 'ported away. Kitty shrieked and phased underground. Jean Grey ran out of the room, screaming at the top of her lungs.

Cyclops sat cluelessly. "Huh…?"

"REGIS PHILBIN!"

"NOT AGAAAAAAIIIIINNNNN!" Scott ran out of the room in fear.

* * *

"What do you call this creation?" Lance asked Pietro. He poked Pietro's casserole, and it recoiled. 

"I call it Random Junk I Found in the X-Kitchen and Put into a Casserole Dish and Tossed in the Oven." Pietro said. "Aptly named."

"Just like the X-Kitchen," Blob added. "X-Kitchen. When a regular kitchen just won't do."

"I can tell," Lance responded, smiling. "Can I guess the ingredients?"

"If you guess discarded American Idol contestants that didn't get as far as the last six, YOU'RE WRONG, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT IDEA?"

Lance stared at Pietro.

"I'm going to be cooking again next week, by the way."

"Can't wait," Lance looked uneasy.

* * *

The residents of the X-Mansion waited for their dinner to be served. Ray and Sam were talking with each other. 

"At least we're not sitting next to a drunken Logan!" Sam stated.

"Yeah, really. Where is he anyway?" Ray pondered.

"Over there by Wanda. He's hitting on her."

"That should be good."

"Let's sell tickets!"

Meanwhile, Wanda was dealing with her own problems (or rather, one big, Logan-shaped problem).

Logan yawned and put his arm around Wanda's chair. "Are you from heaven? 'Cause I've got an erection."

Ray turned away from Wanda and Logan when a spoonful of dinner was slapped onto his plate.

"Eat it!" Pietro ordered. "If you eat it all, I'll teach you how to make it!"

"Do I even want to know how to make it?" Ray queried.

"Well, first you need tranquilizer darts. Then-"

"Pietro, please stop there."

Before Pietro could say anything, Professor X wheeled in and interrupted him. "Say, Pietro, you haven't by any chance seen all those homeless people who were paying rent to stay in the kitchen, did you?"

"Were they drunk and singing?" Pietro asked in response.

"…Yeah."

"Nope."

* * *

After dinner, everyone in the X-Mansion resided in their dwelling of choice, their stomachs full with Pietro's god-knows-what. The New Mutants took their place gathered on the leather couches in front of the TV. "So, what are we watching tonight?" Bobby asked Ray, who was thumbing through the TV guide. 

Ray took a deep breath. "A team of unrealistically hot crime scene investigators investigate crime scenes with fancy tools that probably don't work as well in real life and they take the strategically placed DNA from said investigated crime scenes to a lab with dramatic lighting where the DNA is processed in a time that is a fraction of how long it takes in real life and then the hot crime scene investigators mosey around for another half hour, playing with people's minds and interrogating teenagers, children, adults, and the elderly alike to make them cry until the aforementioned crime scene investigators finally pull a suspect's name out of the hat and arrest them because they are apparently guilty. In Miami."

"How many times did you say 'crime scene investigators' in that sentence, Ray?" Roberto asked.

"I don't know. How many times did I establish that they're hot?"

"What else is on?" Bobby asked Ray.

"'Heroes',"

"What is that about?"

"It's about heroes, Bobby. DUHR!"

Bobby accepted this as an answer. He turned to the TV, but his view was obstructed by Pietro.

"I need Ray!" He demanded.

"Right here!" Bobby pointed to Ray, sitting right next to him.

Pietro grabbed Ray and sped out of the room, through the hall, through the kitchen, out into the yard, across the yard, and up into a tree. "Ray, I need your help!"

"Uh-oh." Ray murmured.

"I need you to pack me the following items!" Pietro whipped out a list on pink construction paper. "Rope, duct tape, tranquilizer guns, fake IDs, toilet paper, shaving cream, non-dairy whipped dessert topping, Lucky Charms, creamy mushroom sauce, four handguns, extra ammo, masks to protect our identity, and rations and money for about five weeks. And some malted milk balls."

"WHY do we need all this?" Ray asked loudly.

"We're going to Hollywood!" Pietro smiled.

"WHAT?!"

"I need to go to Hollywood to pursue my career in cooking!" Pietro said. "There are special ingredients I'm looking for! And I can't take the Brotherhood or the X-Men, they don't understand me!"

"Neither do I," Ray pointed out.

"You're my student. I'll _make_ you in due time." Pietro answered. "We're also taking X23 and Pyro."

"Where are they?"

"X23's inside getting punished for trying to attack the old men in the malls and Pyro's right behind you."

"Your hair looks funny from the back!" Pyro giggled.

"AGH OHMYGOD!" Ray jumped up, almost falling out of the branch he was sitting on. After catching his breath, he turned to Pietro. "Wait, so you're _understood_ by the Acolytes?"

"Yup," Pietro said. "And you (soon) and X23."

"Why X23?"

"She doesn't understand herself! With all that extra room for understanding _other_ people, she might as well put forth a little effort and understand ME." Pietro stated, crossing his arms.

"Why Pyro in specific?"  
"He's been around here all week instead of with Magneto due to something involving a restraining order and fried clams."

"And I haven't noticed him?"

"Noooo…. But then again, neither has anyone else, even people with advanced senses."

* * *

**Look's like Pietro, Pyro, Ray, and X23 are doing Hollywood. And don't think this means the other characters won't have anything to say about it!**

**This chapter of Der XParody is brought to you by: Coca-Cola!**

**Storm: Yeah, we wish. The cash would really be coming in if that were true. Yellowfur's a liar. **

**Wolverine: I can't even get drunk off coke!**

**Pyro: I like it... it's sugary and flammable...**

**Gambit: FLAMMABLE? _Really_? Wow.**

**Pyro: I don't know. I haven't actually tried... I think I will now!**

**Blob: Uh-oh, Pyro! Double posting brings evils!**

**Xavier: I know you're out there, reviewers! I can sense it! NO ONE CAN ESCAPE MY POWERS! Plus, I can read the hits of each chapter and see who has this on their alert list... but it's mainly my powers!**

**Jamie: Wow, that was loud, Professor! Hey, I just realized what a weird mix of people we have for this product... X-Men and a Brotherhood member and two Acolytes... and me. Funky...**

**Caliban: Not as funnnky as meee.**

**Nick Fury: Where'd you come from?!**


End file.
